Snarky Supernatural Saturday (S1 E11)

Elderly, friendly couple in a small town? They’re kidnapping and eating people, right?

Or it’s a giant dude.

Oh, just a crucified scarecrow.

You SAW it move, you do not respond with “Please let’s just hurry,” you FUCKING RUN!

THANK YOU.

And then the scarecrow has the tattoo or something, right? There has to be a reason they pointed out the tattoo.

Oh, or she just trips over him. At least they didn’t bother with the useless Previously On, but that makes the lackluster title sequence even less lustery.

A demon killed their mom. A demon named SAM!

I’m treating this as confirmation that their dad is trolling them, by the way.

Oh, don’t play Mourning Olympics, that’s just not cool.

Um, no, being a good son doesn’t require blind obedience.

Dean calling someone a selfish bastard is hilarious.

Great, either one will save the other and they’ll cheesily reconcile by the end of the episode, or I’m going to have to follow two storylines about characters I don’t like instead of just one.

I have no idea who this girl is, but I suspect I’m meant to find her “spunky.” Blech.

Oh look, Dean’s ectometer is going off. Another big Twinkie?

The scarecrow is some sort of patchwork zombie creature, isn’t it?

Yep, it’s got his tattoo.

Wow, a gas station where they fill for you? That’s ancient.

They’ve got an evil protector spirit thing going, huh? Once again I find myself reminded of something vastly better, American Gods in this case.

The sheriff just literally ran him out of town. Hilarious.

Wow, it’s like she’s going through everything Sam is! Almost as if her sole purpose in being in the show is to advance Sam’s story!

And then Dean predictably saves them from the scarecrow, yawn.

Ugh, can you stop saying “pagan god”? It’s a god, it’s evil, can we drop the implication that polytheism=evil?

It’s one of the Vanir?

The appropriation and shallowness of the research here BURNS. I just saw Thor 2 over the weekend, and it managed to be less disrespectful to Norse beliefs than this. That’s pretty pathetic.

All the people standing around with umbrellas are going to start chanting “the greater good” any minute.

Why DOES it have to be her? Couldn’t it be an actress who doesn’t sound completely fake when crying?

“For the common good” is close enough.

YES! SHE SAID “THE GREATER GOOD!”

And then quoted Star Trek. Weird.

As it turns out, the apple pie is TOTALLY worth it.

…and I guess in a sense I was right about the old couple eating the victims.

Blah blah Sam saves him and they reconcile, cheesiness on cue.

You really need to stop mentioning the movies you’re ripping off by name, show.

The introduction of gods and demons to the show makes me think of something I read once regarding Shinto, that the difference between a god and a demon is their relationship to humans. To the people in the mountains for whom the river is a source of water, it is a god; to the people in the plains whose house it just washed away in a flood, it’s a demon.

And then the scarecrow god thing kills its worshippers, as evil gods in these sorts of things tend to do.

And then the scarecrow was a tree, I guess?

No, they just found the First Tree somehow, and it was right by that ladder all along. Okay.

Congratulations, Emily, you’re now being haunted by the ghost of an angry evil god.

On the other hand, you claimed a small amount of agency! Good for you!
 
Oh, for FUCK’S SAKE, Dean, can you not be evil for once.

Is Meg going to turn out to be some kind of monster?

…Or an evil cultist, that works. And by “works” I mean “meh, could have been worse, she could have gone back to her family.”

I find it amusing that the first episode to really feel like it’s part of a serialized show is also the first episode with no Previously On.

Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics, characters who have not been seen or mentioned in three episodes not included):
Drunken, absent father (still punking them)
The living incarnation of anxious masculinity
Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control
-Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
-Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
-Jenny (owned their house, lost it in the lawsuit the narrative just forgot about)
-Plumber (lost his house, sued Jenny)
-Jenny’s daughter
-Jenny’s son
-Missouri (I miss her already) 
-Murder-suicide cop (deceased)
-Black cop (not dead, in this show’s most shocking twist yet)
-Gavin (dickweasel)
-Kat (yet another generically pretty blonde)
-Ghosts who just want attention
-Evil psychiatrist ghost (he lives in a Silent Hill level, and not one of the good ones)
Emily, who gets actual agency and to actively make a decision and literally takes her fate out of Dean’s hands! (she needs a fansite)
Meg, who gets agency too but is evil
Evil scarecrow (probably not in the family of blood)
Evil farmers (FOR THE GREATER GOOD)
Disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and/or Lori and further the plot counter: 7
Women who kiss Dean: 2
Missouri counter: 1
Average disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot per episode: 0.6
Average women who suffer horrible fates no one should have to endure per episode: 0.8
Average Missouri per episode: 0.1 ACCEPTABILITY LEVELS CRITICALLY LOW

Final Rating: 6/10 WOMEN WITH AGENCY! PLOT THAT CROSSES AMERICAN GODS WITH HOT FUZZ! ADD IN MISSOURI OR MAIN CHARACTERS I CARE ABOUT AND THIS COULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST GENUINELY GOOD EPISODE! 

—–

So, as I said yesterday, I’m not doing these anymore. I tried to like the show, and I don’t think I’m ever going to. And frankly, snark-watching just isn’t my thing–this was an interesting experiment, but I don’t think the results were particularly great and I didn’t enjoy it at all. I have better things to do with those three hours a week–like watching Veronica Mars, which is delightful so far, or working on My Little Po-Mo vol. 2.

So why didn’t this show work for me? Well, first of all, the double fridging in the first episode started it off on a sour note. Dean also was immediately immensely unlikeable for me–in that episode he was a swaggering, sexist bully, and while they backtracked on those elements somewhat in the following episode, he was still obsessed with his anxious masculinity in a tiresome way that the narrative didn’t particularly seem to want to criticize. Sam, meanwhile, was just boring generic milquetoast–the comparison to Han Solo and Luke Skywalker in one episode was spot-on.

It’s pretty clear by episode 11 that the relationship between the brothers is a central element of the show, which is a problem given that I find them unlikable and their relationship uninteresting.

The other thing the show offers is the monster-of-the-week horror plots. Unfortunately, these have also been utterly uninteresting for me. I simply do not find slasher movies frightening or (usually) interesting; fictional blood and gore and violence just aren’t frightening to me. The show seems to have no interest in the kinds of horror I find interesting or frightening–the psychological, the surreal, the kind where neither the audience nor the characters are entirely sure what’s real. There’s been none of that in the show, and no suggestion it will ever happen.

People have assured me that the show gets better. There is some hint that it’s doing so. But I simply don’t have time to watch hours and hours of something bad in the hopes it will improve; there’s too much good stuff out there I haven’t watched yet.

So what do I do with Saturday’s now? I’m not sure–probably something related to that week’s pony episode, at least while those are on the air. Perhaps a liveblog of the episode?

Snarky Supernatural Saturday (S1 E09-10)

Episode 9: Home

Previously on Supernatural… wait, this is different! It… has nothing whatsoever to do with the last seven episodes, but it’s different! (Damn, and I had a good joke lined up for it being the same, too. It was an Arrested Development reference, it would have been great. Even when you do what I want, you still disappoint me, show.)

I was SO sure the monster in the closet was going to grab her and drag her screaming back into it. I want a monster-in-the-closet episode.

Telekinetic monsters in the closet are the best monsters in the closet.

Yeah, of COURSE the evil house is the old Winchester place. I wonder if they’re named after the rifle manufacturers, what with the whole Mystery Mansion thing.

Did this show just kill off a kid? Because that would get it like one and half, two points for sheer ballsiness.

Nope. Nope, It Was All A Dream. Probably a Prophetic Dream ™.

I hate prophecy as a narrative device, it’s the ultimate Because The Plot Said So.

Sam has dreams about horrible things happening to people and then they do? Evil-baby powers confirmed.

“First you tell me that you’ve got the shining—“ “That’s shinning. Yeh wanna be sued?”

Thus far this entire series has been set in flyover country, have you noticed?

Did they just NOT LIE about who they are? It’s almost like they’re capable of learning from past experience!

Or at least, Sam is.

The woman living in their house looks REALLY familiar, but I can’t place her. There’s something slightly odd about her mouth?

Richie is a juice junkie? OH NO, RICHIE IS POSSESSED BY THE EVIL TIME-TRAVELING GHOST OF BUSTER BLUTH! HE’S A TIME TRAVELER, HE CAN EXIST LATER IN THE TIMELINE THEN WHEN HE WAS DEFEATED!

Turns out it is the thing that killed their mom and Jessica, they beat it, find jobs as cropdusters, and the next eight and a half seasons are a workplace comedy.

If Dean has been in contact with their dad all along…

Oh, no, just leaving messages.

Is Dean wearing a wedding ring?

They’re not lying! Dean is capable of human emotion! The previously on changed! This is EASILY the best episode yet.
Oh Jesus fuck it’s one of those evil monkeys. Does ANYONE buy those outside of horror movies/shows? Owning one is like ASKING to be sucked into the bowels of hell or whatever.

Garbage disposal turns on. Calling it.

Ow. Yeah. Called it. And the monkey is all like “Ha ha!” because those little monkeys are almost as evil as evil-babies.

He started reading strange old books? Great, that’s ALWAYS a good idea, it never leads to discovering Secrets Man Was Not Meant to Know.

Cold-bangin..? What the hell is that? No, no, I don’t want to know, it’ll only upset me.

Wow, she’s good at cold-reading. That or she’s the one psychic on Earth that isn’t a fraud, but what are the odds?

Still, I like her. She’s tough.

Oh my god, is it going to LITERALLY fridge the kid? That would be THE BEST.

Ha!

Yeah, of course he wasn’t in any danger. International Guild of Ghosts and Demons union rules, evil-babies are safe.
Can Missouri come on ALL their investigations?

In fact, can we just stop following the Winchesters and get the Missouri show?

I mean, much as I hate psychics, I gotta say I love how she takes none of their shit.

It’s all down to the actress, really. She’s been handed a part that’s nothing but stereotypical Magical Negro, with the whole “black women are bossy” stereotype ladled liberally on top, but she OWNS it and just OOZES charisma.

The second spirit is holding the poltergeist out because it’s the ghost of their mom, right?

Oh god, they’re going to kill off Missouri, aren’t they?

I like how the poltergeist can easily attack all three when they’re on different floors, but only one at a time when they’re in the same room.

The kitchen is TRASHED. Jenny is gonna be PISSED.

I just want Missouri to swoop in and tell Dean off every time he’s about to say or do anything.
Okay, there’s still ten minutes left to the episode and we haven’t found out exactly what Jenny’s running from. SOMETHING needs to explode.

Zelda Rubenstein? Who?

Okay, the TOTES DRAMATIC ZOOMS are getting straight-up silly.

Sam’s getting beat up by an invisible force, bet that saved on guest stars.

Ghost of their mom. Called it.

“Sam. I’m sorry.” “For what?” “For the affair with Satan that spawned you, evil-baby mine.”

Yes, yes, and the mom chases the poltergeist away.

“What’s happening to me?” When an evil-baby reaches a certain age, they may notice… changes, such as horns where no horns existed before, prophetic dreams, and a newfound interest in girls.

Missouri comes home to find their dad waiting for her, right?
Of course he’s there.

“I want to see them so much, but it would ruin the Greatest Dad Prank of All Time!”

Huh, so apparently this show *does* have a plot after all! I wonder if they bothered pretending they knew where it was going, like X-Files, or just copped to making it up as they went along like Buffy.

Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics, characters who have not been seen or mentioned in three episodes not included):
-Drunken, absent father
Jerkass bully who insults everyone he meets, and we’re expected to find him charming Couldn’t be a bully OR assert his hegemonic masculinity this episode, because Missouri is the best
Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control Now also has dreams about horrible things happening to innocent families, he’s clearly a complete monster.
-Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased) Came back as a ghost, sacrificed herself to save said male characters. Got to speak maybe three words.
-Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
-Lori, secretly an evil-baby who unknowingly summons Ghost Buster, so clearly Sam’s soulmate
Taylor, disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for Lori and further the plot (deceased)
-Reverend Dad, who likes adultery but not sororities
-Lori’s date, needs to learn that no means no, kinda deserved to have something bad happen to him but probably not death by Buster (deceased)
-The Angry Time-Traveling Ghost of Buster Bluth, a.k.a. Jack the Ripper Possessed an evil-baby, thirsts for juice.
-Matt, likes bugs, secretly not an evil-baby. (disappointing)
-Construction worker guy, brain eaten by beetles I guess (deceased)
-Other construction worker guy, totally fell for the old “nephews” trick
-Woman who actually has a job and life of her own, died horribly but it didn’t particularly advance the plot or give another character something to emote over(deceased, technically not fridged)
-1x Magical Native American(presumably returned to Central Casting whence he came)
-Matt’s parents (apparently have the power to fold time and space)
Jenny (still being sued, apparently, did we just forget that?)
Plumber (lost his hand to a garbage disposal, in 20 years he will be the origin of the legend of Plungerhand)
Jenny’s daughter Has a literal monster in her closet, it’s pretty great
Jenny’s son Evil-baby, possessed by the evil time-traveling ghost of Buster Bluth, thirsts for juice, got actually, literally fridged. Basically the most perfect character this show has had or likely will ever have.
Missouri, is also basically the best.
Winchester pere, manages to be both a milquetoast AND a dick, so I guess that confirms he’s really their dad.

Disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and/or Lori and further the plot counter: 7
Women who kiss Dean: 2
Missouri counter: 1
Average disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot per episode: 0.78
Average women who suffer horrible fates no one should have to endure per episode: 1
Average Missouri per episode: 0.11 UNACCEPTABLE

Final Rating: 6/10 IF THE ENTIRE SHOW WERE THIS GOOD I MIGHT OCCASIONALLY CHOOSE TO WATCH IT IF NOTHING ELSE WERE ON

Episode 10: Asylum

Previously on Supernatural, the show was actually all right. So how are you going to disappoint me today, show?

Oh look, it’s a previously on with none of last episode. They’re just going to ignore that all that happened, aren’t they?

Oh joy, a haunted mental hospital. I’m sure this will be respectful and well-researched in regards to its treatment of mental illness.

Bolt cutters!? Why, that would imply that local children have access to hardware stores and/or their parents’ toolsheds!

Black Guy Dies First in 3… 2… 1…

Oh COME ON, what could POSSIBLY be in a mental hospital that gets a biohazard sign ON THE DOOR? This isn’t Silent Hill!

Oh hey, the ghosts are going for the white cop. Quite the unexpected switch-up there, show.

Great, a bonethief got him and is wearing his skin.

…Man, how did I get this far without referencing the best horror game ever?

Okay, I was about to get squicked out that SOMEHING ELSE was going to have sex with his wife in his body. Killing her is marginally less squicky?
That only counts as a fridge if someone the audience cares about cares about her, by the way.

Those are pretty imprecise coordinates. I’m surprised it’s only one town.
What if it’s not their dad? I mean obviously it is because he’s setting up all these things and then sending them there as part of the Epic Dad Prank. But what if it’s someone else fucking with them?

I love when they consult their Junior Woodchucks Guidebook.

Okay, that was a pretty clever twist on their usual doomed-to-failure fake identities.

None of them are particularly great, but I don’t think it’s really a contest. Hewitt, obviously.

“Maybe it’s more like Amityville.” “You mean a known and obvious hoax?”

Why are they both assuming the text message came from their dad?

Okay, I would honestly rather see Sam talk about his brother than find out about the South Wing, but that would require the writers to come up with a modicum of personality for him, so, you know.

This is one of those creepy dudes who reads up on psychology and tries to apply it to dating, isn’t it? He’s read about arousal misattribution and so he’s trying to deliberately terrify his date so she’ll like him more. I hope he fries… but he’s probably going to end up killing her, because that’s the show.

Dude, that sillhouette behind him looks like it has ears. Is it Batman?

That face-shaking effect is NEVER SCARY, why do horror things bother with it?

Also: OH NOES, it’s haunted by the ghost of NAVI! No wonder it drives visitors “insane”: “Hey, listen! Hey! Listen!”

These ghosts are pretty clearly Xel’lotath-aligned, they should enchant their shotgun with Chatturg’ha runes.

Right, Dean, because the right way to go through life is cowering in terror from every rumor, hiding under the bed.

Gavin is like a DEAN-caliber asshole. “Scarred for life” my ass. “Oh noes, I kissed someone who wasn’t Hollywood pretty, it is the WORST THING EVER.”

You’d be better off attacking the hinges, Dean, you AMATEUR.
HE whispered in your ear, not “it,” you vitalist.

Okay, WHY is Dean going alone? There’s no urgency here, they could both lead the kids out and then go back in.

Okay, that panel was pretty bloody obvious. How did the police miss that when looking for the bodies?

Wait, if the ghosts create enough static to show up on the EMF, how are their cell phones working?

And of course the biohazard room again. Was that a SECRET DOOR? This hospital IS from a video game.

Can you imagine the construction workers? “Um, so you want a… secret… door… in your hospital? That’s… different.”

Blah blah, angry evil ghost psychiatrist makes people “crazy” because that’s what psychiatrists do.

Seriously, have you ever noticed that, in media, EVERYTHING related to the mental health profession defaults to evil? The patients, the doctors, the treatments, the facilities…

Okay, I can SEE the outline of the secret door. There’s a line of light!

Blah blah brotherly love triumphs over the evil ghost doctor.
How did that not even damage Dean’s shirt?

But the guy didn’t hesitate at all to kill his wife, because apparently “bros before hos” is an actual law of nature in this universe. Blegh.

Okay, giving him an unloaded gun was fairly clever, and definitely better than The Power of Love. That only works if we see the characters earn it.

Okay, that’s the second thing I’ve seen TONIGHT where a lighter stays lit when thrown. I am like 90% certain lighters do not work that way.

“Now you kids spend the rest of your lives cowering in terror, ‘kay? Don’t try to take control of the horror in your lives by fighting back the way we did, you’re designated victims, not main characters.”

And then their dad calls them, I guess? Meh, I’m sure they’ll find some way to make next week a pure Monster of the Week anyway.
Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics, characters who have not been seen or mentioned in three episodes not included):
-Drunken, absent father (still punking them)
The living incarnation of anxious masculinity He just hasn’t been bullying much lately, so I changed his description. Unfortunately it wasn’t so much character development as character drift.
Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control Supposedly had massive breakthroughs in a single psychiatry session. Yeah, right. Also, you don’t go to psychiatrists for therapy, there aren’t enough psychiatrists for that. You go to have a focused conversation with the goal of getting a diagnosis and a prescription. Psychologists and social workers are where you get talk therapy.
-Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
-Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
-Matt, likes bugs, secretly not an evil-baby. (disappointing)
-Construction worker guy, brain eaten by beetles I guess (deceased)
-Other construction worker guy, totally fell for the old “nephews” trick
-Woman who actually has a job and life of her own, died horribly but it didn’t particularly advance the plot or give another character something to emote over(deceased, technically not fridged)
-1x Magical Native American(presumably returned to Central Casting whence he came)
-Matt’s parents (apparently have the power to fold time and space)
-Jenny (owned their house, lost it in the lawsuit the narrative just forgot about)
-Plumber (lost his house, sued Jenny)
-Jenny’s daughter
-Jenny’s son
-Missouri (I miss her already)
-Murder-suicide cop (deceased)
-Black cop (not dead, in this show’s most shocking twist yet)
-Gavin (dickweasel)
-Kat (yet another generically pretty blonde)
-Ghosts who just want attention
-Evil psychiatrist ghost (he lives in a Silent Hill level, and not one of the good ones)
Disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and/or Lori and further the plot counter: 7
Women who kiss Dean: 2
Missouri counter: 1
Average disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot per episode: 0.7
Average women who suffer horrible fates no one should have to endure per episode: 0.9
Average Missouri per episode: 0.1 EVEN LESS ACCEPTABLE

Final Rating: 4/10 MEH BUT COULD BE WORSE

Snarky Supernatural Saturday (S1 E6-8)

Episode 6: Skin

 Previously on Supernatural, lightning sound effects! And we still have made a new Previously On! Or gotten opening credits!

Oh look. A women being held prisoner by a guy with a nasty knife. How original, show. Women depicted as helpless and endangered, nobody’s done THAT before.

Surprise! The cops are incompetent and let a criminal get away. I sure didn’t see that coming.

The SWAT team, of course, is all male.

Oh hey, Dean is a serial killer. I find this development equally unsurprising.

(And yes, of course obviously this’ll be a doppelganger story or something, but let me hope.)

Dean is giving a lecture about lying? What a fucking asshole.

Okay, look: People kill their significant others. And EVERY TIME there are friends and family who say “They didn’t do it, they’re not the type.” Dirty little secret of humanity: there is no “the type.” There are no monsters and no angels, only people being people.

Once again I find myself spending the early part of the episode DESPERATELY HOPING that there’s nothing supernatural going on. I want a series about two brothers traveling the country meddling in Supernatural problems and ALWAYS BEING WRONG. Of course, that’s what I wanted the X-Files to be, too: The Scully is always right but Mulder never stops believing show.

Basically I want this show to be a dramatic, violent Scooby-Doo.

30 seconds after I mention Scooby-Doo, a dog shows up. The dog saw everything. IT KNOWS ALL. BOW BEFORE YOUR CANINE MASTER.

Yep, shapeshifter monster. Turns into men and kills their girlfriends.

You know, what made Buffy great was that the monsters, as they are in all the best monster movies and stories, are reifications of things within the characters, their fears and hopes and traumas brought to life. Supernatural’s monsters are just kinda… there. Like, this would be a great monster if there were some identity issues in play for our characters, or trust issues… but there’s diddly squat here.

5:30 in the morning!? Man, I don’t care how good a friend you are, I’m not investigating your murder case before 10 at the earliest.

Oh crap, Dean shares my opinion. Time for seppuku.

Now they’re ambulance chasers.

Thanks episode, for reminding us that people who abuse and murder their loved ones are all easily spotted by their maniacal laughter and monocles, and anyone who seems like a nice guy must be one.

“Every culture in the world” Dean? Really? Dean (and by Dean, I mean the writers) really needs to knock off that bullshit, this is at least the second time he’s had a line like that. MANY cultures have shapeshifter lore, but many is not every.

Chasing a creature into the sewers. weird goop, things that transform… *cues the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme*

But… if it’s a shapeshifter… how do they know where its heart is?

Oh FOR FUCK’S SAKE, we get it! Them lying about their identities backfires!

Also: STFU Dean, you’ve been caught lying in EVERY OTHER EPISODE.

…huh? I don’t get his perks line. Is he talking about the gun? Because… yay? It’s a gun? I dunno about you, I’d rather have a Game Boy or something. 

I wonder how much silver bullets cost. That’s probably like $40 of bullets Sam just shot into the pipes.

I guess we’re supposed to think the shapeshifter is one of the folks who passed them, but actually it’s EVERYONE. ALL OF ST LOUIS IS SHAPESHIFTERS! What a tweest!

Yeah, pretty sure I yelled this in FMA, too: NEVER SPLIT UP AGAINST A SHAPESHIFTER IT IS REALLY VERY MUCH NOT A SMART MOVE

Oh joy, another episode for Dean to save the day.

Okay, it’s moderately nifty that it gets the memories of the people it copies.

Oh god the monster actually IS Envy. Jealousy demon or something, which is why it goes after girlfriends I guess?

“Hmm, I hate you and don’t trust you. Let me set up a romantic fire and we’ll have a drink.”

Oh god no please no not Hollywood biology.

If he wants someone to love him, he is REALLY BAD AT IT. So, yeah, basically, just like Dean.

Shouldn’t there already be an APB out on Dean for impersonating a police officer?

So wait, if they didn’t call the cops, who did?

Pretty impressive that he manages to shapeshift and tear off his old skin without removing his pants.

Oh, okay, I was assuming the Rebecca in the sewers was the shapeshifter, pretty cute that it’s not.

Dang, Rebecca keeps her knives SHARP. Either she’s real serious about her cookery, or she never cooks at all.

I will take a full point away if this degerates into either of the brothers having to play “but which is the real one” With the other brother.

Okay. Good. Does it keep Dean’s face? Because otherwise he’s still going to have to go on the run.

Wait, so… that’s it? Dean’s legally dead and a murderer? And they just drive off and it’s fine?

That’s what makes this show so boring for me; nothing has any consequences, so I don’t care what happens. How much you want to bet that next episode has the same Previously On as this episode?

It’s getting really hard to be funny about this. It’s just tiresome. Next episode better be something SERIOUSLY RIDICULOUS. Like “the killer’s in the house!” or “bug bite EXPLODES INTO SPIDERS” urban-legend type ridiculousness. It won’t be any better, but at least it would be more mockable.

Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics, characters who have not been seen or mentioned in three episodes not included):

  • Drunken, absent father
  • Jerkass bully who insults everyone he meets, and we’re expected to find him charming And now he’s a dead serial killer, not that that’ll ever be referenced again
  • Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control
  • Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
  • Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
  • Assorted evil-babies
  • Finn’s Fear (in Hell and/or Finn’s stomach)
  • Guy possessed by Finn’s Fear (deceased)
  • Various white people on an airplane (deceased)
  • Guy who knows Winchester pere, he had a poltergeist once, he got better
  • Pilot Chuck (deceased, boring)
  • Amanda Walker, is afraid to fly and doesn’t mind if you pour acid on her coworkers, I’m just saying she’s maybe not the world’s best flight attendant
  • Various white people and one WOC on an airplane
  • Lily, has evil-baby friends, also it is all her fault
  • Charlie, she is the best, why couldn’t she have been played by Amy Acker?
  • Jill, who existed to be not very nice and then die to further the plot (died to further the plot)
  • 80s face girl
  • Woman who is so disposable we never even find out the truth about how she died and no one cares (deceased)
  • Bloody Mary, who somehow died decades after her own legend started (died, ripped off The Ring, died again)
  • Zach’s girlfriend (not pictured or named)
  • Zach, who totes didn’t murder his girlfriend because murderers never have friends who are main characters (except in season finales)
  • Rebecca, Zach’s sister (because every male character on this show is defined by their actions or job and every female character by a relationship)
  • Monster who is basically the incarnation of Nice Guy Syndrome, wish they’d done something with that (ha!)
  • My boredom, which is increasingly overwhelming my hate

Disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot counter: 6

Women who kiss Dean: 2

Average disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot per episode: 1

Average women who suffer horrible fates no one should have to endure per episode: 1.33

Final Rating: 1/10 SO BORING SERIOUSLY THOUGH THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A HORROR SHOW WHEN IS SOMETHING ACTUALLY SCARY GOING TO HAPPEN I HATE YOU ALL 

Episode 7: Hookman

Previously, on Supernatural, oh for fuck’s sake.

Sorority girls? Peer pressure to be more sexual? I smell slasher flick.

OH MY GOD IT’S A GUY WITH A HOOK HAND

THIS IS HILARIOUS IT IS THE BEST THING SINCE EVIL-BABIES

Also, do people seriously make out in cars? I don’t drive, so I’ve never done it, and it always seemed really uncomfortable?

YES WANNABE DATE-RAPIST GO OUT

!

INVISIBLE hook-hand?

Oh my god, is it the GHOST of the hook-hand guy?

No, the girl said no, you’re supposed to kill the guy and let her go DAMMIT BUSTER HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN A SLASHER FLICK?

Okay, I guess he actually has

Also, yes, I am going to assume this is the ghost of Buster Bluth.

No duh your dad doesn’t want to be found, he is playing THE MOST EPIC DAD-PRANK EVER on them

Okay, seriously, Sam? You’re not Scully, stop trying. We all know you believe in all this shit.

Oh come on, the rape club fraternity doesn’t even have a secret handshake?

Wow, way to be subtle Dean. That guy totally doesn’t think you’re investigating.

Dean is so totally me the two or three times I’ve been in a church. “Wait, why’s everybody looking down? Is there something on the floor?”

Dean pretending to be churchy is actually pretty funny?

I was actually starting to like this episode, but then Dean’s “Yeah, I think she’s hot, too” threw me right back out. STOP BEING DOUCHY MCMACHO, DEAN.

Okay, so maybe it’s not the ghost of Buster Bluth, but I can dream

STOP REFERENCING BETTER SHOWS AND MOVIES IT JUST MAKES ME WISH I WAS WATCHING THEM

Oh, drinking. I thought Preacher Dad assumed the sorority was all lesbian sex.

You just know all his ideas about them comes from Cinemax

Okay, the rock salt shotgun IS clever

Kinda hard to shoot an invisible dude

Ghost Buster better not kill Taylor

She is the first black character in the entire show and a woman who am I kidding OF COURSE she’s going to die

Thank you door for telling me her name, by the way

OH GOD DAMMIT

Lori is descended from Ghost Buster, isn’t she? That’s why the detail about him being a preacher.

*facepalm* Ghost Buster I DIDN’T EVEN INTEND THAT PUN

Unsurprisingly, Dean’s knowledge of sororities is also derived entirely from Cinemax

Okay it is NOT an accident that she has a “gob” poster

Buster is haunting her because Gob always picked on him

So it isn’t the ghost of a 19th century preacher, but something that haunts angry preachers and murders women? So it’s either Ghost Buster or Jack the Ripper. He’s supposed to have escaped to the U.S., isn’t he?

WAIT. Episode 5 established that ghosts can travel in time, since Bloody Mary’s legend predates her death. Maybe Ghost Buster IS Jack the Ripper!!!1!

Shacking up with a married woman? Oh, you are a CLASS ACT, Father Dad.

Yes, dig up the angry ghost, disturbing graves makes everything better.

Salt and fire, yeah, that’ll take care of most supernatural stuff.

It’s actually Lori summoning the ghost, isn’t it?

Okay, wait, what? Why is she kissing Sam? There’s like at least two scenes of bonding between them missing before this scene works.

Yep, it’s Lori.

Okay, there’s actually something vaguely resembling a logic to the thing with the hook? I like this. It’s neat.

Wait… doesn’t “St. Barnabas” imply a Catholic church? Aren’t Catholic preachers not allowed to have kids? *confused*

But Lori’s not literally descended from him, just closely associated with his church.

Okay, destroying the ghost’s hook IN HIS CHURCH may not have been a great plan?

Hey, Lori actually figured out this is connected to her! I kinda like her. She has something to her character besides a relationship, namely a strong moral code! That’s rare in this show.

I meant “woman having something to her character besides relationships,” but “moral code” works too. Most of the characters are kinda assholes? Lori takes it a little too far, though.

Of COURSE she’s the final target.

Ghost Buster isn’t scary, but he’s pretty cool, and has a neat death effect.

Can you even melt silver in a regular fireplace, though?

I like how NO ONE gives a fuck about Taylor. And by “like” I mean “dammit.”

Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics, characters who have not been seen or mentioned in three episodes not included):

  • Drunken, absent father
  • Jerkass bully who insults everyone he meets, and we’re expected to find him charming He’s less of a bully lately, but still Macho McManlypants de la Anxiousmasculinity
  • Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control He and Lori were made for each other, weren’t they?
  • Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
  • Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
  • Lily, has evil-baby friends, also it is all her fault
  • Charlie, she is the best, why couldn’t she have been played by Amy Acker?
  • Jill, who existed to be not very nice and then die to further the plot (died to further the plot)
  • 80s face girl
  • Woman who is so disposable we never even find out the truth about how she died and no one cares (deceased)
  • Bloody Mary, who somehow died decades after her own legend started (died, ripped off The Ring, died again)
  • Zach’s girlfriend (not pictured or named)
  • Zach, who totes didn’t murder his girlfriend because murderers never have friends who are main characters (except in season finales)
  • Rebecca, Zach’s sister (because every male character on this show is defined by their actions or job and every female character by a relationship)
  • Monster who is basically the incarnation of Nice Guy Syndrome, wish they’d done something with that (ha!)
  • Lori, secretly an evil-baby who unknowingly summons Ghost Buster, so clearly Sam’s soulmate
  • Taylor, disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for Lori and further the plot (deceased) Yes I am counting her
  • Reverend Dad, who likes adultery but not sororities
  • Lori’s date, needs to learn that no means no, kinda deserved to have something bad happen to him but probably not death by Buster (deceased)
  • The Angry Time-Traveling Ghost of Buster Bluth, a.k.a. Jack the Ripper
  • A can of beans
  • A can of Manwich They’re not actually in the episode, I mixed them and ate while watching

Disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and/or Lori and further the plot counter: 7

Women who kiss Dean: 2

Average disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot per episode: 1

Average women who suffer horrible fates no one should have to endure per episode: 1.28

Final Rating: 5/10 ACTUALLY WATCHABLE I SHOULD BE ANGRIER ABOUT TAYLOR BUT IT’S PREDICTABLE AND ALSO THESE BEANS ARE PRETTY TASTY

But seriously though, it’s like someone pointed out that this show is whiter than Friends and they went UH-OH BETTER KILL A BLACK WOMAN TO PROVE WE’RE NOT RACIST 

Episode 8: Bugs

 Previously, on Supernatural, I ran out of ways to say that this previously on is the same every damn time.

Phat? Seriously? No one actually says that! Not even in 2003 or whenever this was.

Sinkholes and excessive misquitoes? Is this episode about urban blight?

No, just evil insects. OH GOD IT CRAWLED IN HIS EAR THAT IS GROSS

Still not scary, but pretty gross. I think one of my problems is that this show doesn’t seem to know the difference.

Okay, Dean watching Oprah is hilarious, him refusing to admit it moreso. Did this show gain a level or something?

How come nobody ever catches on that they talk like investigators instead of grieving nephews or whatever they’re posing as this week?

GOD THESE GUYS ARE SUCH CHILDREN

Man, I could totally go for some free barbecue. Or any barbecue, really. Good barbecue’s hard to find around here.

Dammit this is two episodes in a row where Dean is channeling me. Suburbia is a nightmare hellscape and I’m so glad to live in a real city now. I DO NOT LIKE HAVING ANYTHING IN COMMON WITH DEAN

GEE I WONDER IF PEOPLE WERE INCEST SHIPPING BY THIS POINT

Calling it: The realtor guy is sleeping with the head of sales and wife knows.

YES PLEASE BE ANOTHER EVIL-BABY

OH MY GOD THAT EVIL FACE YES YES YEEESSSSS

CAN YOU TELL I THINK THE EVIL-BABIES ARE THE BEST PART OF THE SHOW

Calling another thing: Pheromones. No psychic powers, no angels, this is a mad scientist type deal because we’re 8 episodes in and haven’t ha one yet.

Oh what a surprise, first woman defined by something she DOES rather than who she KNOWS and she’s dead. Not counting as a fridging, though, she’s a regular victim because she’s not being used as an excuse for a more important character to emote.

Ooh, that’s a pretty stick bug. 

I am MASSIVELY disappointed that he’s apparently not an evil-baby after all. There need to be more evil kids in media, the child-industrial complex has had its way for too long!

Is it a demonic temple of bugs?

Nope, just a clearing and sound effects.

Yes, everyone walk into the place full of killer doom insects, that is a good plan.

Did Dean just—he is seriously poking it with a stick! This isn’t a metaphor, he is LITERALLY POKING THE EVIL BUG NEXUS WITH A STICK

AND NOW HE’S REACHING IN AND PULLING OUT SKULLS! THAT IS NOT AS COMMON A SAYING BUT STILL PROBABLY NOT HIS BEST PLAN

Fuck you Dean. Some families suck! If your family doesn’t work, you find a better family.

Dean is totally lying about their dad visiting Stanford.

OH IS THIS A FUCKING NATIVE AMERICAN BURIAL GROUND STORY?

Oh gods I’m already cringing at how they’ll depict Native Americans

I just hope it’s not as bad as the buffalo in My Little Pony

OH LOOK IT’S A MAGIC NATIVE AMERICAN *HEADDESK*

Well, at least we’ve got an entire town in danger this time.

“You don’t break a curse.” Well… that goes against basically every story about curses ever.

Of COURSE the kid Sam was bonding with is in danger.

LOL THEIR LIES ENVER WORK AND THEY NEVER STOP

…how the fuck do they have Matt’s cell phone number?

I’m still sad it wasn’t mad-scientist evil-babies. 

Sure, 10,000 years of recorded history and we’ve never figured out a way to keep out bugs, but Dean can figure it out in an evening, right? They are SO BONED. What are the next eight seasons about?

A can of bug spray. That’s your brilliant plan? ALL THE LULZ FOREVER

THE BEEEEEES NOT THE BEEEES

Yes, because BURNING the bug spray so it makes a LIGHT that ATTRACTS BUGS is a great way to help get away from them. YOU ARE THE SMARTEST DEAN CLEARLY.

GEE IT’S A GOOD THING THE BUG EXPERT NOT-EVIL_BABY IS THERE BECAUSE OTHERWISE HOW WOULD WE KNOW THE THINGS EATING THROUGH THE WOOD ARE TERMITES?

I like how the room is ALREADY FULL of a BILLION BUGS but they’re all fine.

WAIT WHAT? They were in the house for like TEN MINUTES how is it already morning?

So… all Dean and Sam did, in the end, was tell the realtor family to hide from the bugs. I THINK THEY COULD HAVE FIGURED THAT OUT.

“Well, this has been the biggest financial disaster of my career, but somehow, I really don’t care.” Except that, traumatized and triggered by the only thing he enjoyed before, Matt desperately needs therapy, and after being fired for this disaster, the family has no insurance. Yay?

The moral of the story, based on Dean and Sam’s conversation at the end: If your dad is unrelentingly horrible to you because you don’t fit into the narrow frame of his expectations, that’s your fault, and you should change or at least apologize to him for it. Fuck you, show. 

Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics, characters who have not been seen or mentioned in three episodes not included):

  • Drunken, absent father
  • Jerkass bully who insults everyone he meets, and we’re expected to find him charming He’s less of a bully lately, but still Macho McManlypants de la Anxiousmasculinity
  • Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control He and Lori were made for each other, weren’t they?
  • Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
  • Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
  • Zach’s girlfriend (not pictured or named) 
  • Zach, who totes didn’t murder his girlfriend because murderers never have friends who are main characters (except in season finales) 
  • Rebecca, Zach’s sister (because every male character on this show is defined by their actions or job and every female character by a relationship) 
  • Monster who is basically the incarnation of Nice Guy Syndrome, wish they’d done something with that (ha!) 
  • Lori, secretly an evil-baby who unknowingly summons Ghost Buster, so clearly Sam’s soulmate 
  • Taylor, disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for Lori and further the plot (deceased) 
  • Reverend Dad, who likes adultery but not sororities 
  • Lori’s date, needs to learn that no means no, kinda deserved to have something bad happen to him but probably not death by Buster (deceased) 
  • The Angry Time-Traveling Ghost of Buster Bluth, a.k.a. Jack the Ripper  
  • Matt, likes bugs, secretly not an evil-baby or mad scientist at all (disappointing)
  • Construction worker guy, brain eaten by beetles I guess (deceased)
  • Other construction worker guy, totally fell for the old “nephews” trick
  • Woman who actually has a job and life of her own, died horribly but it didn’t particularly advance the plot or give another character something to emote over (deceased, technically not fridged)
  • 1x Magical Native American (presumably returned to Central Casting whence he came)
  • Matt’s parents (apparently have the power to fold time and space)

Disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and/or Lori and further the plot counter: 7

Women who kiss Dean: 2

Average disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot per episode: 0.875

Average women who suffer horrible fates no one should have to endure per episode: 1.125

Final Rating: 3/10 ONLY MILDLY DISAPPOINTING BUT I KNOCKED AN EXTRA POINT OFF FOR THE EVIL-BABY COCKTEASE

Snarky Supernatural Saturday (S1 E4-5)

Supernatural Episode 4: Phantom Traveler

Previously on Supernatural, we blew the opening credits budget on a cheap, silly text effect, so we smeared it all over the previously ons.

Also, show, you know you don’t actually need a previously on for a monster-of-the-week show… and I’m pretty sure this is shot-for-shot, line-for-line identical to last episode’s previously, just to add insult to boredom.

Okay, cute fakeout with the Hawaiian music.

My roommate’s afraid to fly, which is why I taught her what airport bars are for.

It’s Finn’s fear from that one episode of Adventure Time! It’s found a new host!

Finn’s Fear is still fond of terrible puns, I see.

Wow. He’s a lot calmer, but way more murderous than in Adventure Time.

I am seriously skeptical that opening the door on the plane makes the plane crash. I’ve seen it in a bunch of shows and movies, and just… it seems like something you could adjust for as a pilot? And like the pressure would equalize long before you crash, allowing the plane to land normally? I dunno, I don’t know much.

 Dean is being paranoid! He’s going to be the next victim of Finn’s Fear.

OH MY GOD FINN’S FEAR IS OYASHIRO-SAMA

Have you noticed how I spend much of my time watching this show thinking about better shows?

Yep, Dean’s going to have to accept and face his fear.

Of course Dean’s never afraid, he’s too much of a Manly Man Who Mans.

Okay, wait. Someone has met Dean before and is willing to meet him again? I call shenanigans!

“Jerry, we’re going to need you to break a dozen privacy laws.” “No problem!” “And also get us in to see some twisted bits of metal.” “No way, that’s impossible!”

Homeland Security? Hey, maybe Dean can spend the rest of the series in Guantanamo. If anyone deserves it, it’s him.

Seven survivors? Wait, I’ve seen this one, Death itself stalks them and eliminates them in the order they would have died on the plane.

Yes, I’m even counting that cheesefest as better than this.

Finn’s fear had black eyes. Finn’s Fear is Oyashiro-sama is The Beast. It all hangs together!

I am already eager for the episode where it turns out there is a perfectly mundane explanation and nothing weird going on at all. Those were the only good episodes of The X-Files.

Oh god, I have acid reflux too. If I got an attack on a plane, I would definitely consider just opening the emergency exit and killing everyone.

Man, Blues Brothers is a great movie. Thanks for once again reminding me of something better than you are, Supernatural! They even drive an Impala!

“Yeah, I know what an EMF reader is.” “But the audience might not!”

Haha, Sam, I could watch you smack down Dean all day. Well, not really, but at least it made those 10 seconds of the show slightly more bearable.
 
Oh Dean and Sam, your incompetence fills my heart with… nothing, because you get the fuck away every time.

Finn’s Fear has moved or will move into Pilot Chuck now, right?

Called it!

Now Finn’s Fear is going to kill all the survivors by possessing frightened people.

Please tell me the guy on the tractor is another survivor? I like my demons efficient.

“Every religion in every world culture has the concept of demons and demon possession.” Bull. Fucking. Shit. Theravada Buddhism, assholes. Pretty sure Unitarians don’t, either. Judaism only does if you count folk superstition as part of the religion.

FYI, Keebler has (or had, it might not be there anymore, there have been some SLIGHT CHANGES in the neighborhood in the last 15 years) a snack factory in Nazareth, Israel. I have eaten Cheez-Its of Nazareth. They were slightly better than American Cheez-Its.

(Basically all Israeli food is slightly better than the American equivalent, except all the meat sucks. It is a really, really good place to go lacto-vegetarian.)

Oh look, one of the survivors is a woman. She’s either going to die or kiss Dean. I’m not sure which is worse.

I keep hearing Amanda Waller, and expecting her to kick everyone’s ass. (She’s the Olivier Mira Armstrong of the DCU. Also the Nick Fury of the DCU. She’s like if Olivier Mira Armstrong and Nick Fury had badass overweight middle-aged babies, is what I’m saying.)

Oh my god, Amanda is amazing!

Wait, no, she’s falling for the “have a friend call and tell her how sad you are” non-apology. I am disappointed, Amanda. You are NOT worthy to direct Checkmate.

Yep, Dean’s going to be possessed by Finn’s Fear.

I assumed Dean drives everywhere because flying on short notice is FUCKING EXPENSIVE.

Jesus, people. JUST FLY PLASTERED. THAT IS WHAT THE AIRPORT BAR IS FOR. Brought to you by the National Committee for People Who Don’t Drink But Enjoy Laughing At People Who Do.
 
I would DIE LAUGHING if they’re on the wrong plane and no one is Amanda.

Wait, so every culture in the world has demons, but the Latin name of the Christian God works on all of them? Fuck you, show, we can add christocentrism to your sexism, suspiciously monochrome cast, and othering of Native American cultures.

Okay, liking Amanda again. That’s a good attitude to take to scary things.

CALM DOWN! ARE YOU CALM YET!? IF YOU DON’T CALM DOWN THE DEMONS WILL GET YOU AND KILL US ALL! SO CALM DOWN! OR ELSE WE ALL FUCKING DIE!!!

Okay, this thing is strong enough to open a door against two tons of pressure. Why the FUCK would you believe you can last long enough against it fully incarnate to cast the second half of your little cleric spell?

“Amanda, you have to believe us, this isn’t a two-parter and we don’t have time to talk it out.” “Well… okay, I believe you.”

“Well, you’re obviously pouring acid all over my coworker, but… okay, I’ll do what you say.”

Wait, are you saying that demons know something about someone who died in hellfire? Nah, that’s just too left-field.

Blah, blah, demon causes mechanical failure on the plane, Sam chasing the book to pad out the episode, because spending these couple of minutes shaking the camera and flashing the lights was WAY more important than spending them establishing an actual motivation for Amanda to play along with Sam and Dean’s nonsense.

Hmm… Sam is unaffected by the Christian rituals. Clearly evil-babies are far more powerful and dangerous than mere demons.

Or evil-babies aren’t Christian.

No, crosses hurting vampires in Buffy doesn’t bother me. That’s obviously just because the natural predator of the vampire is the Hound of Tindalos.
 
Amanda neither died nor kissed Dean! She is doing better than every other woman in the series thus far!

Here, have a reminder that this series has an ongoing plot, to hide how eminently skippable this episode is!

I will be very amused if it turns out their Dad just retired, and Dean missed the note on the fridge explaining it all.

But more likely he’s just trolling them. Dean had to inherit that dickery from somewhere, and it’s obviously not their mom, because her sole purpose in existence is to die horribly, she doesn’t get character traits of her own they could inherit.

Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics, characters who have not been seen or mentioned in three episodes not included):
-Drunken, absent father
Jerkass bully who insults everyone he meets, and we’re expected to find him charming Little to no jerkassery this episode, but he continues to be Macho McTestosteronePoisoning.
Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control
-Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
-Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
-Assorted evil-babies
-Shell-necklace douchebro
-Woman who almost, but not quite, has a character (kissed Dean)
-Woman and douchebro’s little brother who exists for some reason, it’s not clear why
-Dickish hunter who, like, doesn’t know, man. He ain’t seen the shit I seen, man. (deceased)
-Immortal super-fast cannibal made of crepe paper and gasoline (deceased)
-Yet another disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot, also she is not buff and really very cute, not that you can’t be buff and cute, just ask Alex Armstrong (deceased)
-Asshole brother of disposable woman who claimed men don’t like buff women because apparently all men like the same things (deceased)
-Dad of disposable woman, also an evil-baby (deceased)
-Sheriff who is the smartest sheriff. The sheriff is also an evil-baby. (Deceased)
-Amy Acker because she needed some quick cash, or at least that’s what I’m assuming because it can’t have been the juicy part or thrilling script, this show doesn’t have those (kissed Dean)
-George John Campbell Lucas McSamePlot
-Lake-dwelling evil-baby (deceased) 
Finn’s Fear (in Hell and/or Finn’s stomach, I guess technically this aired first so it probably went to Hell, and THEN to Finn’s stomach)
Guy possessed by Finn’s Fear, who even sort of looks like that guy from “The Satan Pit,” man I hate that episode, but I still would rather watch it than this (deceased)
Various people on an airplane, every single one of whom was white, I counted (deceased)
Guy who knows Winchester pere and works for an airline or airplane company or something, he had a poltergeist once, he got better
Pilot Chuck (deceased, boring)
Amanda Waller (Not actually in the episode, she would have made it 10,000x cooler and probably recruited Finn’s Fear to the Suicide Squad or something)
Amanda Walker, is afraid to fly and doesn’t mind if you pour acid on her coworkers, I am just saying she is maybe not the world’s best flight attendant
Various people on an airplane, there was one woman of color, no one died, COINCIDENCE I THINK NOT

Disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot counter: 3
Women who kiss Dean: 2
Average disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot per episode: .75
Average women who suffer horrible fates no one should have to endure per episode: 1.25

3/10 YOU LOST A TRINITY OF POINTS FOR CHRISTOCENTRISM BUT GOT ONE FOR AMANDA BEING ALMOST SORT OF COOL WHEN SHE WASN’T A HELPLESS PUPPET TO THE PLOT AND THIS WAS GENERALLY A PRETTY AVERAGE THING OTHERWISE SO 5+1-3=3.

I AM PUTTING WAY TOO MUCH THOUGHT INTO THESE SILLY RATINGS.  

Supernatural Episode 5: Bloody Mary

“Previously on Supernatural, episode one happened, and maybe two scenes from episode two.” And now I’m CERTAIN this is the same Previously On as episodes three and four.

Blah blah kids playing Bloody Mary. The absolute best version is the one Miami homeless kids came up with, where she’s the Virgin Mary gone insane with grief because Satan won and killed her husband God and son Jesus, because the kids need to explain why their entire existence is suffering. Also it is a secret religion that they are forbidden to tell anyone over the age of 12, but a really young-looking anthropologist interviewed them. Seriously, look it up, it’s awesome.

Also, as far as “things you summon by saying their names three times” go, Hastur is the best/worst.

Ah, Lily’s two friends are evil-babies.

Hey look, the little girl in the mirrors from Doctor Who.

You know how some faces just BELONG in certain decades? Lily’s older sister has a VERY 1980s face.

Hey, a scene with four girls and a man, and the girls all made it out alive? What are the odds!

Oh, good, a reminder of the episode one dual-fridging to make up for the last scene not killing any women.

I am so sick of ghoulish morgue employees. It is an obnoxious cliche. Where are the jaded, indifferent ones? The passionate committed-to-their-work ones?

“How many times has it been an actual medical thing and not something supernatural?” “I dunno, every time we’re not on camera?”

It’s not your fault, little girl. Except that it completely actually is. You summoned a demon-witch-ghost-thing and doomed as all.

Seriously though, Bloody Mary? If that actually fucking worked EVERY KID IN AMERICA would be dead.

I have NEVER heard that Bloody Mary goes for eyes. I thought she just killed you.

Okay, new girl is tough, skeptical, and too young for Dean to hit on. SHE IS PERFECT.

I give her until the next ad break, tops.

Blonde girl isn’t afraid of Bloody Mary, she’s toast.

Oh, she took her pants off in a horror movie, she’s double toast. First rule of schlock horror: If there are monsters or serial killers around, KEEP YOUR PANTS ON.

Okay, the thing with the reflection glaring at her is actually pretty cool, neat effect.

Seriously though, even if Bloody Mary is confined just to this town, NO ONE SHOULD MAKE IT TO ADULTHOOD.

You know who would be way more interesting than Bloody Mary and has a thing for eyes? The Corinthian.

FOR THE GREATER GOOD (the greater good)

Blah blah she’s picking people with dark secrets, they’ll find out Lily’s dad caused a death.

Ah, “Gary Bryman” is the boy Jill caused to die. Or it could all be a coincidence, and actually it’s just that it has the same hex value as JUSTIN BAILEY.

Fuck, it’s the earlier.

It’s going to be hard to make murder charges stick when your only witness is an evil ghost.

Man, Desolation Road is an amazing book. There’s this whole sequence where there’s this murder trial, and the defense calls the GHOST OF THE DECEASED as a witness, and it’s chaos. AND THIS ISN’T EVEN A BIG PART OF THE MAIN PLOT, IT’S JUST A SIDE STORY. Such a gloriously weird, joyful little book.

Girl whose name I don’t think was ever said is refusing to say “Bloody Mary,” she’s definitely going to die.

“The way her eyes cut out, it was almost… surgical.”

The cliches, they burn! Burn so much they even cremated Mary Worthington.

“And so the atom lost an electron to the very atom it was attracted to. How ionic.”

Ah, Charlie! That’s her name.

Another problem with this “every superstition is true” kind of story: So mirrors can trap ghosts? And also anyone who dies violently becomes a ghost? And who knows how many other ways there are to make ghosts? HOW IS THE PLANET NOT ASS DEEP IN GHOSTS?

Also, is there anyone in this town who DIDN’T secretly kill someone? Toledo, Ohio, secret murder capital of America.

Okay, public service announcement: There is NOTHING you can do or say to either cause or prevent another person’s suicide. Suicide is a SYMPTOM of a DISEASE, the most common disease in America. It can only be prevented by MEDICAL TREATMENT by doctors and therapists.

Blah blah Sam blames himself for the death of Jesse because he is an EVIL-BABY who causes MASS FRIDGING.

Wait, Sam still has secrets related to Jesse? People nunned like crazy in response to my comments on the first episode… is he really an evil-baby? Is that the secret? Because if that is the secret I will take back, like, THREE of the bad things I said about this show.

Estate Antiques: Umpteen Bajillion Mirrors.

HOLY SHIT WERE THOSE WEEPING ANGELS okay no they’re just mannequins

Doctor Who is a CHILDREN’S SHOW from BRITAIN and yet it manages to be scarier than this on a fairly regular basis

This show’s biggest crime, all the social justice issues aside, is that it’s BORING

Bloody Mary is actually going after Dean because he has deadly secrets, isn’t she?

Did Dean kill their dad? That would be a pretty excellent plot twist.

JESUS CHRIST SAM YOU’RE LOOKING FOR MARY

Also Dean for fuck’s sake quit lying you are AWFUL AT IT AND ALWAYS GET CAUGHT it used to be funny but now it’s just awful

*sigh* These cops are incompetent. I miss Sheriff Evil-Baby.

Oh, Sam predicted Jesse’s death and didn’t do anything. Meh, I was hoping he was going to be a confirmed Evil-Baby, but I guess that’s more season finale type stuff.

Oh look, the Supernatural people watched The Ring.

Oh are you serious? They held a mirror up to her and she MIRRORED HERSELF and went down to hell where all the evil ghost-ladies and their evil-babies go? WEAKSAUCE

But at least I was wrong about Charlie dying AND she didn’t kiss Dean SHE IS THE BEST

D’aww Sam is talking to Charlie but really to himself and it would be a really cute parallel IF I GAVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT SAM’S FEELINGS

I bet Sam’s brofusal (that started as a typo but I liked it too much to fix it) to talk about his secret will never ever come back to haunt him

Hey look, Jesse is standing silently staring at Sam SHE CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD AND STILL EXISTS ONLY AS A THING FOR SAM TO EMOTE OVER

This show is like the anti-FMA, Jesse is the anti-Nina

Sam is the anti-Al

Dean is basically Ed though to be honest only not as smart and hornier

Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics, characters who have not been seen or mentioned in three episodes not included):
-Drunken, absent father
Jerkass bully who insults everyone he meets, and we’re expected to find him charming Pretty much not a jerkass this episode, instead had as little personality as his brother, but at least he didn’t perv on anyone or get kisses this episode
Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control also prophetic dreams apparently
-Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
-Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
Assorted evil-babies I am counting Lily’s friends, they were jerks
-Yet another disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot, also she is not buff and really very cute, not that you can’t be buff and cute, just ask Alex Armstrong (deceased)
-Asshole brother of disposable woman who claimed men don’t like buff women because apparently all men like the same things (deceased)
-Dad of disposable woman, also an evil-baby (deceased)
-Sheriff who is the smartest sheriff. The sheriff is also an evil-baby. (Deceased)
-Amy Acker because she needed some quick cash, or at least that’s what I’m assuming because it can’t have been the juicy part or thrilling script, this show doesn’t have those (kissed Dean)
-George John Campbell Lucas McSamePlot He is in every episode lurking menacingly just off-camera, the scariest thing in this show so far is the possibility it’s going to go all Hero’s Journey
-Lake-dwelling evil-baby (deceased)
-Finn’s Fear (in Hell and/or Finn’s stomach)
-Guy possessed by Finn’s Fear (deceased)
-Various white people on an airplane (deceased)
-Guy who knows Winchester pere, he had a poltergeist once, he got better
-Pilot Chuck (deceased, boring)
-Amanda Walker, is afraid to fly and doesn’t mind if you pour acid on her coworkers, I’m just saying she’s maybe not the world’s best flight attendant
-Various white people and one WOC on an airplane
Lily, has evil-baby friends, also it is all her fault
Charlie, she is the best, why couldn’t she have been played by Amy Acker?
Jill, who existed to be not very nice and then die to further the plot (died to further the plot, technically not a fridging because none of the male characters gave a fuck)
80s face girl, apparently not responsible for any deaths, the virgins in whose blood she bathed in order too look like a teenager even though she’s actually 35.
Woman who is so disposable we never even find out the truth about how she died and no one cares (deceased)
Some other people maybe, I no longer care
Bloody Mary, who somehow died decades after her own legend started, also she was defeated in a really silly way, it was no dragged into hell by the evil-baby ghosts she herself killed, I tell you what  

 
Disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot counter: 4
Women who kiss Dean: 2
Average disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot per episode: .8
Average women who suffer horrible fates no one should have to endure per episode: 1.2

Final Rating: 2/10 IT WAS BORING AND I’M TIRED AND EMOTIONALLY DRAINED FROM WATCHING MARK WATCH THE LAST THREE FMAB EPISODES ALSO I TOOK OFF AN EXTRA POINT FOR NEVER FUCKING EXPLAINING WHAT HAPPENED TO MRS SHOEMAKER WE FINALLY HAVE A WOMAN THE WRITERS CARE LESS ABOUT THAN MARY AND JESSE  

So… are people enjoying these? Because one the one hand they’re pretty easy, but on the other hand, you know, they require me to watch Supernatural, so I really only want to do them if people like them…

 

Snarky Supernatural Saturday (S1 E1-3)

Today marks the launch of a new feature on the site, Snarky Supernatural Saturdays. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a fan of and regular commenter on Mark Watches. Recently, Mark has started watching Supernatural, and I decided to take the opportunity to watch it myself. It made sense to me that I would probably like it: many of my friends are fans, and I am a big fan of Doctor Who and like what I’ve seen of Sherlock, the other two pillars of the fan-Tumblr trinity.

So I decided to watch it in synch with Mark, one episode at a time, the night before his review of that episode goes up. Taking a cue from how I’ve commented on his Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood Reviews, I watched the episode on the right half of the screen while taking notes on the left half. For FMA:B, my notes were generally a mix of insights, praise for good moments, and silly jokes. But for that first episode of Supernatural…

For that first episode of Supernatural, my notes were nothing but snark. Because, it turns out, I don’t like Supernatural. I don’t dislike Supernatural. At least now, three episodes in, I feel nothing but contempt for Supernatural. It does not deserve analysis or even a sensible recap; all it gets are my stream-of-consciousness thoughts while watching and reactions to what I see on screen. These might make more sense if you watch them with the episodes, but that would require watching Supernatural, so I recommend against it.

Please note, the comments for these posts in particular are a SPOILER FREE ZONE. Do NOT post spoilers, part of the point of this project is that I have no idea what’s coming. “Oh man, you won’t believe it but your guess is totally right!” counts as a spoiler. So does “I can’t believe how wrong you are about that guess,” and “Oh, you have a problem with that, don’t worry, it gets better.” ANYTHING which is not immediately obvious from the episodes I have seen so far is a spoiler.

Anyway, that aside, here’s this week’s snark:

Episode 1: Pilot


Been meaning to try this show for a while now. Here’s what I know about this series:

  • There are brothers.
  • People occasionally compare them to the Elrics?
  • I think they have a car. And a shotgun? Or a rifle? Something like that. Is it a supernatural shotgun that shoots, like, demon bullets?
  • It is popular on the Tumblrs.
  • Supernatural things happen? Like, magic? Monsters I’m guessing?
  • There is a character named Cassiel.
  • Cassiel is the Latin form of Qaphsiel, the Qabbalistic archangel of the moon, who has power to transport people and things through space. I don’t know how much of this is relevant, but I’m guessing he’s either an angel, a demon, or an alien.
  • Reliable sources tell me it starts strong, but suffers from increasing genderfail as it goes.

I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore… oh wait, we are.

Aw, what a sweet, loving family to whom nothing bad could ever happen.

Does the baby have evil powers? Tell me the baby has evil powers. I mean moreso than babies normally do.

That didn’t look like her husband in the baby’s room. Was it him?

Ah. No. It wasn’t.

THE BABY ATE HER

NOW HE IS A HAPPY EVIL-BABY

EVIL-BABY is crying at the hellfire. He doesn’t like the competition.

So, when they were little their mother died and their house burned down. I DO NOT SEE WHY PEOPLE COMPARE THEM TO THE ELRICS. NOPE, NOT AT ALL.

Those were the shortest, least interesting credits ever.

“Where’s your costume?” “I’m going as EVIL-BABY, can’t you tell?”

So they spar a lot as adults? And the younger one is taller? And their father is missing? I STILL DON’T SEE THE RESEMBLANCE TO THE ELRICS.

Let’s argue as a transparent excuse to explain the plot to the audience! *yawn*

Not to mention the standard getting-the-band-back-together vs. I’m-retired-now plot.

I knew they had a car!

Men disappearing on a stretch of road, woman’s voice saying “I can never go home?” Oh, please tell me this isn’t an evil version of the vanishing hitchhiker.

Girl by side of road, hitting on guy with car? Dammit, it’s worse, it’s a sexy evil version of the vanishing hitchhiker.

Dude, I can hear your accent. You were a teenager in the U.S. YOU KNOW WHAT A VANISHING HITCHHIKER IS. RUN AWAY.

THANK YOU.

Except that you’re not a main character, so if you’re runnign away that means running away doesn’t work.

Okay, why did none of the reports mention the BLOOD in the cars? You would think that is SLIGHTLY IMPORTANT. Kind of makes it unlikely it was a kidnapping.

Black Sabbath, Motorhead, and Metallica. I HAVE NO ISSUES WITH THIS SELECTION.

“No sign of struggle.” WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BLOOD THEN?

Troy Squire is possibly the frattiest frat-boy name ever fratted.

Okay, if the vanishing hitchhiker kills whoever picks her up, HOW DOES ANYONE KNOW THE STORY? I HATE GHOST STORIES LIKE THIS SO VERY MUCH BECAUSE THEY MAKE NO SENSE.

Oh look, it’s another urban legend, the double bathtub drowning baby.

Sam looks a very little bit like Walter White, Jr. Are they related?

I just cannot get into the character stuff when the plot of the episode is so distractingly bad.

So… just because you say you have the same last name, the hotel owner lets you into the room?

Ooh, salt circle. Okay, that earns a point for accuracy.

Wow, I kind of hate Dean? I merely dislike Sam. This is going swimmingly.

I am so sick of jackass bullies who take nothing seriously as main characters. As with everything else in modern media, I blame George Lucas.

I would complain about the incompetence of the police officers, but, you know, police officers.

Oh no, now Sam’s virtuous heart and refusal to cheat on Jessica will break the curse.

I guess I’m supposed to be curious about where their dad’s gone? If I had any reason to care about them I probably would be.

I kinda like the holes appearing in his chest, but the evil ghost face is silly.

Yeah, Dean, shoot the ghost, that always works.

Maybe if the first 30 shots don’t kill her, the next one will!

I do like that the solution was not “Sam is too good for the ghost to kill,” but rather “drive a car through the wall and let the evil-baby ghosts handle the rest.”

HOLY FUCK THOSE EVIL-BABIES ARE CREEPY AS FUCK.

YES, EVIL-BABIES, YOU GO TO HELL WITH YOUR MOMMY. YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE.

I will happily watch this series if every episode is evil-babies.

Okay, seriously, were you not paying attention? OF COURSE THIS IS WHERE SHE DROWNED HER BABIES, THAT WAS SUPER OBVIOUS.

Somehow I suspect the narrative will punish Sam for pursuing his dreams rather than remaining a slave to his family’s wishes and lifestyle.

WHAT TEAM, DEAN? SAM DID EVERYTHING. IT WASN’T EVEN THAT HARD.

That is a GINORMOUS apartment for a not-particularly-wealthy college student.

OH FUCK YOU AND YOUR DOUBLE FRIDGING SERIES

Sam, you really need to learn to control your evil-baby powers.

Characters so far:

  • Drunken, absent father
  • Jerkass bully who insults everyone he meets, and we’re expected to find him charming
  • Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control
  • Evil baby- and unfaithful-men-murdering ghost woman vanishing hitchhiker thingy
  • Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot
  • Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot
  • Assorted evil-babies

Rating: 1/10 WOULD NOT WATCH AGAIN

On the other hand, lots of good series have terrible first episodes. I’ll stick around a little longer.

 Episode 2: Wendigo (P.S. Boy I wish I knew this title when I watched the episode, it would make guessing the monster a lot easier.)

“Previously on Supernatural: Evil-babies and fridges. Also, Dean is a dick.”

This Previously On is more like a bad movie trailer than a recap.

The opening credits still suck, what little there is of them.

Ooh, campers. Calling it, this episode involves either hookhands or a guy in a hockey mask.

Okay, it might be werewolves. This epiosde is SLIGHTLY less predictable than last week.

Too tall to be a werewolf, I think. Evil-bear?

I hope the evil-bears don’t team up with the evil-babies, they’ll kill us all!

Speaking of evil-babies, here’s Sam visiting the grave of Jessica. “Beloved Daughter,” because even in death she exists solely as relationships with other people.

Oh, wait, it was a nightmare. Sam should have protected her, because Men Protect and Women Get Killed By Evil-Baby Powers.

Yeah, Sam, because there are never any monsters in the middle of nowhere.

I knew it was evil-bears!

Tommy looks like a douchebro. It’s the shell necklace, wearing one is almost as bad as being named Troy.

Bear on the wall of the local bar. Why did the camera highlight it? GHOST BEARS, that’s why.

Corporeal, so not a ghost. That’s good.

Dean’s being surprisingly non-dickish this episode.

Hayley continues to almost show twinges of approaching something vaguely resembling a personality. She Cares About Her Family, which is one character trait more than Jess or the Winchester’s mom (did she even have a NAME?) ever got.

No, eat the guy with the douchebro shell necklace!

…Dammit.

“Why didn’t you tell me that from the start?” That’s a really fucking good question, and Dean fails utterly to answer it. But the plot requires that Hayley stop questioning after 30 seconds, so she does, even though Dean’s answer is bullshit from her perspective.

“Looks like a Grizzly.” I give 30 seconds until somebody says something like “No grizzly did this.”

Almost a full minute, and the actual line was “It’s no skinwalker or black dog.” I’m slipping.

Their dad’s notebook is going to be this series’ Junior Woodchucks Guidebook, isn’t it?

Dammit, Haley, you have no reason to listen to any of this!

Also, WTF? Anasazi lived in the southwest, why the hell would they have anti-Wendigo symbols?

“Why doesnt he just call us, tell us what he wants?” Same reason Hailey accepts all the stuff you tell her—because otherwise there’s no show.

“Roy, don’t leave the circle, you’ll die!” “Guess we’d better leave the circle.”

Fortunately, the Winchesters have main character and/or evil-baby powers, so the Wendigo doesn’t kill them.

Ah, the Harry Dresden approach. Fire kills everything.

…I wish I were reading Dresden Files right now. As deeply problematic supernatural adventures go, it’s about 10,000x better than this.

This series seriously loves dribbling blood on people. I think if I had to pick a motif from the first episode to continue, that would be near the bottom.

Evil-babies are the top, of course.

Oh noes, the Wendigo captured the Disposable Woman ™ and the jerkass. How awful.

Trail of M&Ms! It’s like E.T.

Except those were Reese’s Pieces.

E.T. was the first movie I ever saw in a theater. To this day I crave Reese’s Pieces every time I watch a movie. Fuck you, Steven Spielberg, inventor of product placement.

Oh yay. Douchebro’s alive.

So far Hailey is the single character in this series I dislike least.

Followed closely by the Wendigo.

I keep typing Windigo. Dammit, ponies!

Dammit Sam, if bullets don’t hurt it WHY ARE YOU WAVING A GUN AROUND.

DEAN HAS ONE TOO. DO YOU NOT EVEN LISTEN TO YOUR OWN NONSENSE?

Because a lethal weapon that can kill you or your allies, but can’t hurt your enemies, is totally something you should be waving around.

Wait, is that actually a flare gun? Okay, fair enough.

Apparently Wendigos are made of papier mache and have lighter fluid for blood. Handy!

THIS IS A LESSON, DEAN. Stop being a dick, and women who almost have personalities might kiss you chastely after you save them and their brothers from Wendigoes.

…It is a fairly situationally specific lesson.

Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics):

  • Drunken, absent father
  • Jerkass bully who insults everyone he meets, and we’re expected to find him charming Only he is slightly less dickish this episode, yay!
  • Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control
  • Evil baby- and unfaithful-men-murdering ghost woman vanishing hitchhiker thingy
  • Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot
  • Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot
  • Assorted evil-babies
  • Shell-necklace douchebro
  • Woman who almost, but not quite, has a character
  • Woman and douchebro’s little brother who exists for some reason, it’s not clear why
  • Dickish hunter who, like, doesn’t know, man. He ain’t seen the shit I seen, man. (deceased)
  • Immortal super-fast cannibal made of crepe paper and gasoline (deceased)

2/10 I HATE YOU BUT NOT QUITE AS MUCH AS LAST EPISODE

Episode 3: Dead in the Water

  “Previously on Supernatural, incredibly silly-looking titles, and only three scenes from episode two, one of which didn’t happen!”

Seriously, GET A THEME SONG.

Sophie looks really familiar, what else was she in? And “buff” is not remotely the word I’d use for her. “Petite,” possibly.

She’s being stalked by the camera… so just like every other woman in every other work of horror ever. Nicely creepy sound effects, though.

This show is now 1/5 on keeping named woman characters alive.

ASDJKL; you follow yet another dead woman with THAT? Seriously, series, W.T.F.

You know, if Sam were a woman, like 90% of the series’ problems would be reduced or solved. You could change not one word of a single script, and it would all work better.

Just saying.

Also, I’m annoyed at myself for taking this long to notice, but… how is this show managing to be EVEN WHITER THAN BUFFY?

Seriously? So you’re just straight-up admitting Dean and Sam are based on Han and Luke? I *knew* this show was George Lucas’ fault!

Hmm, evil-babies and evil-bears so far… given the way the camera was stalking her, I’m thinking evil-shark… wait, no, Loch Ness monster. So… evil-hoax-by-a-gynecologist-propped-up-by-the-tourist-industry.

I bet the Dad is the gynecologist, that’s why they can’t talk to him.

OH MY GOD IS THAT FRED

I CAN’T TELL IT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE HER BUT I’M NOT SURE

Lucas? The kid’s name is Lucas!? I KNEW IT WAS LUCAS’ FAULT!

OH MY GOD IT IS IT’S FRED

BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN IN THIS SHOW

…and she’s unlikely to survive the episode. Fuck.

Crap, she’s Lucas’ mom? That little evil-baby bastard, she’s toast. Probably literally.

AND SHE’S NOT TAKING DEAN’S SHIT. BEST CHARACTER.

Shit, I see where this is going. Evil-baby is going to learn the gynecologist-dad killed Fred’s husband and BURN THE WORLD.

Wow, Lucas’ drawings are pretty good. It’s almost like he’s a staff artist pretending to draw like a child.

Wait, is Dean actually trying to connect to the kid? I can only assume he has some seriously dickish motive.

Lucas took the picture. You might think that’s because Dean’s getting through to him, but inside, Lucas is gloating about how much better of an artist he is.

Please tell me that’s a drawing of the Winchester house before it burned, confirming Lucas’ evil-baby powers.

That or Lucas’ dad was eaten by an angry, rampaging split-level two bedroom, one-and-a-half bath. That would also be acceptable.

OH NO, SOPHIE’S BROTHER. THE WATER IS ANGRY.

YES, PUT YOUR HAND IN THE EVIL WATER AND BE EATEN BY THE DRAIN DEMONS

…Called it.

Wait. Only his face and arm are in the water, and we can see both. Is he ACTUALLY BEING PULLED IN BY THE WATER ITSELF? That is the most ridiculous thing ever!

Yes, lake demon, killing everyone in town will definitely get the dam fixed and not cause people to just abandon the town and let the dam collapse.

“Mr. Carlton… are you a gynecologist?”

Okay, I actually do feel for Mr. Carlton. I saw what outliving his children did to my grandfather. It’s the first time this show has genuinely made me feel anything other than annoyance or contempt.

…Amy Acker is totally being wasted on this generic-ass Mother of the Witness role.

Oh no. No. Fuck you, Dean. You do NOT tell a little kid who just lost their parent to be strong or brave or any bullshit like that, that’s how you turn them into emotionally closed-off wrecks who are afraid to feel anything… sound familiar, Dean?

Again, I would care WAY more about the Winchesters if Dean were less of an asshole and Sam had anything resembling a personality.

IT ACTUALLY IS AN EVIL-BABY GHOST POSSESSING LUCAS

THIS EPISODE JUST GOT A WHOLE POINT BECAUSE EVIL-BABIES

Unless it turns out that Peter was just the first victim, in that case I’m taking all the points.

Oh please tell me Carlton killed Peter and Peter is taking his evil-baby revenge?

Because that would mean that Carlton was an evil-baby too!

IF THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT AN EVIL-BABY POSSESSED BY AN EVIL-BABY TAKING REVENGE ON AN EVIL-BABY I WILL DO A CARLTON DANCE

Jonas reminds Dean of himself, leading Dean to the realization that other human beings exist and have feelings. Dean normally just thinks of them as toys, especially if they have boobies.

THE SHERIFF SEES THROUGH THEIR LIES. He is the best local law enforcement on this show. Possibly the best small-town sheriff on television since that show with the guy. It had Don Knotts, but I’m talking about the other guy. You know. Him.

You know, Dean and Sam, you’d have an easier time of this if you stopped pretending to be government agents and just admitted to being nosy busybodies. Just tell people you’re writing a book or something.

OH MY GOD JONAS IS DRAWING SPIRALS NOW I AM REMINDED OF SOMETHING ACTUALLY LEGITIMATELY SCARY

UNLIKE ANYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED IN THIS SHOW AT ALL EVER

But seriously, read Uzumaki, it’s good. It gets really silly, but in a good way.

I am seriously jealous of Amy Acker’s tub.

Hmm, so Lucas isn’t actually an evil-baby or possessed by the evil-baby, he just has some sort of connection to the evil-baby? But… but… he’s Lucas! And this is all Lucas’ fault!

“Come play with me?” It’s either an evil-baby or Jenny Greenteeth.
THERE ARE MORE EVIL-BABIES

THE SHERIFF IS ONE TOO

THIS IS THE BEST HALLOWEEN WALFORD’S EVER HAD

But of course inexplicably psychic Lucas will lead them to the body.

YEAH! EVIL-BABY VS EVIL-BABY

NO MATTER WHO DIES, WE ALL WIN

Maybe the Winchesters will drown and Andrea will be the main character from now on

I would much rather watch that show

I like how Fred is watching Dean rescue her son, and she’s all sobbing and “No! No, Dean and baby George Lucas! I was hoping you’d both die and rid the world of your assholery!”

This time Dean’s chaste kiss was moderately closer to his mouth! It’s like the narrative is rewarding him for being slightly less of an asshole!

DAMMIT THE WORST THING ABOUT THIS EPISODE IS THAT IT MEANS AMY ACKER WILL NEVER BE ON THE SHOW AGAIN

Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics, starting next time I’m going to drop characters who haven’t been seen in three episodes and I don’t think are going to return):

  • Drunken, absent father
  • Jerkass bully who insults everyone he meets, and we’re expected to find him charming Only he is continuing to be slightly less dickish except at the beginning, yay!
  • Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control
  • Evil baby- and unfaithful-men-murdering ghost woman vanishing hitchhiker thingy (deceased)
  • Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
  • Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
  • Assorted evil-babies This is a recurring character I’m counting it
  • Shell-necklace douchebro
  • Woman who almost, but not quite, has a character
  • Woman and douchebro’s little brother who exists for some reason, it’s not clear why
  • Dickish hunter who, like, doesn’t know, man. He ain’t seen the shit I seen, man. (deceased)
  • Immortal super-fast cannibal made of crepe paper and gasoline (deceased)
  • Yet another disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot, also she is not buff and really very cute, not that you can’t be buff and cute, just ask Alex Armstrong (deceased)
  • Asshole brother of disposable woman who claimed men don’t like buff women because apparently all men like the same things (deceased)
  • Dad of disposable woman, also an evil-baby (deceased)
  • Sheriff who is the smartest sheriff. Andy Griffith! That was his name. Yeah. Basically Andy Griffith if he was an evil-baby and Opie was played by Amy Acker. …I think I just accidentally spoiled Joss Whedon’s next movie.
  • Where was I?
  • Oh yeah. The sheriff is also an evil-baby. (Deceased)
  • Amy Acker because she needed some quick cash, or at least that’s what I’m assuming because it can’t have been the juicy part or thrilling script, this show doesn’t have those
  • Amy Acker naked in a tub because it was a lot of cash, she’s got bills, you know how it is
  • Lucas who is apparently not an evil-baby despite being named after the man who single-handedly destroyed American movies forever. His full name is probably, like, George John Campbell Lucas McSamePlot or something. Whatever, no Carlton dance for you.
  • Lake-dwelling evil-baby (deceased)
  • THE SPIRALS BE AFRAID
  • The Winchesters should visit Kurozu-cho. Is there fanfic of this? I want it.
  • Actually, screw the Winchesters, make it Shimon and Kamina instead, that’d be way more interesting.
  • Is that all the characters? I hope so, I no longer care

Disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot counter: 3
Average disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot: 1.5

4.5/10 BUT MOST OF THAT IS EVIL-BABIES
Also I took off half a point for the pointless fanservice in the diner and Amy Acker’s bathroom
DO NOT PANDER TO ME SHOW IT WILL NOT SAVE YOU