Guest Post: -Truly Superior Beings- (Discorded Whooves)

Sean Dillon has never seen a full episode of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, but he is a fan of a number of its associated fanworks.

A Psychochronography in Gray

“[NAME WITHHELD] shame on you. Doctor Who is SERIOUS, it has always been serious, and until Steffan Mofit every story tackled important, weighty issues. And I should know, I’m a long time fan, I’ve been watching it since Rory’s second episode.”

-Lance Parkin in conversation about the possibility of the villain of the Christmas special “Last Christmas” being the Demon Magician.

Stop me if you heard this one before…

It was a dark and stormy night. It was the kind of storm one thinks of when they hear the phrase “It was a dark and stormy night…” There was man, or what looked like a man, draped in shadows standing atop a spiral staircase long enough to make a gratuitous monologue, which he so loved to do, with one hand touching a window which was just as tall as the staircase and the other twirling his moustache. He was getting rather bored waiting for his nemesis to arrive, almost bored enough to drop his principles and do the killing blow anyway. Fortunately for us, his enemy once again arrived just in the nick of time. “Ah, Doctor,” the being said with the smug tone spoken by voice actors playing cartoon villains who think they’ve beaten the hero, “I was beginning to think you DIED.” The Doctor said nothing. “Well, NO matter,” the villain continued with a cruel smile on his face, “I’ve WON. I’ve BEATEN you.” The Doctor, looking at the far more interesting ground, remained silent. “Oh, you DON’T believe me? Well then,” pausing for dramatic effect as he walked down the steps of his absurdly large staircase and continued to listen to his favorite sound, “I’ll just HAVE to tell you what I have done to your timeline. Right now,

So, there’s this guy. He’s a real clever guy, a real nice guy. He just wants to help people and all that jazz. He travels around the vast narrative of time and space with a girl(1). She’s not necessarily the smartest girl(2) but she still has fun with her male friend. Now one day, things don’t go right. Everything falls to pieces, and he’s hurt really badly. It’s one of those life-altering circumstances where nothing will ever be the same again. When he returns to his travel machine(3), he’s different; he’s changed. He doesn’t even look the same. And as his lovely companion tries to cope with this change, he both physically and verbally assaults her. He then decides to become a hermit.

Susan is slowly dying alone in an apocalyptic wasteland, Ian and Barbara are selling the rights to your stories to Americans, Dorothea died before she could give birth, Jamie and Zoe’s minds are being regressed by the Time Lords to the inelegance of infants, Sam, John, and Gillian NEVER existed,

Now the question with those last seventy-two words is whether I ended a generic description of Doctor Who with the changeover of the Fifth Doctor to the Sixth or described the backstory of Discorded Whooves, as revealed on March 12th, 2012. Naturally, since this is a blog about magic ponies who sing, we are of course talking about the latter.

Shaw dies in a bus crash, Lethbridge-Stewart remains a government toady, Yates continues to be a fool who believes in a golden age, Grant, trapped in a loveless marriage, pines for an older man, Sarah Jane Smith is an adrenaline junkie conspiracy theorist,

Discorded Whooves is a Tumblr ask blog about an incarnation of the Doctor who came to Equestria and faced off against Discord. Naturally, he lost and was discorded (a process whereby a pony becomes a cruel twisted reflection of themselves after being confronted with the flaws of their virtue by Discord and being unable to cope with said flaws (or, in Fluttershy’s case, touching her head to make her cruel)). From there, we follow his adventures as he has hanky panky in the TARDIS while drinking and having adventures with Captain Jack Harkness(4), Twilight Sparkle(5), Octavia(6), and more all the while there’s a plot by the Master, multiple serial murders of unicorns, and Discord(7) is still out there.

Harry remains an imbecile, Leela leads the Sevateem into DARKER, more SAVAGE times, Romana, corrupted by the politics of Gallifrey, and deadly Dorothée become my cruel agents, Adric DIED screaming, Nyssa and Tegan never met, Turlough continued to be a slave of the Black Guardian, Perpugilliam B was married to Davie,

The creator of this blog is not a fan of this series. However, since he is not writing this blog entry(8), let us try to make a redemptive reading out of this before we inevitably reveal why the series is terrible. To begin with, let us look at the basic premise of the series: Discord was able to break the Doctor. As mentioned previously in the Return to Harmony entry, Discord is a threat, not only to the cast of FIM, but also to the show itself. As such, it can be read that Discord is discording not just the Doctor, but Doctor Who itself. Thus we are given a show about a cruel and cowardly man who lives alone in his box that pads out the narrative ad infinitum and never changes its premise. Also, it’s a show with a lot of continuity references, and, even worse, Canon, to the point of lock out. And yet, all the elements within this series can be found in Doctor Who. There’s the aforementioned 6th Doctor parallel of his actions in the Twin Dilemma to this Doctor’s interactions with Derpy, the fact that this Doctor is blatantly the 10th incarnation(9) who, on August 29th, 2012, reenacted his most heinous act(10) because The Master wanted him to suffer(11), the shortsighted fannish desire for both continuity(12) and making a lighthearted series dark and edgy that was allowed to thrive in the wilderness era is covered in the blog with the Doctor’s sex addiction and alcoholism, and, of course, the insane amounts of padding.

Evelyn S remains unloved and alone, bisexual Benny dies in the second Dalek War, Compassion frozen in the Time Lord rape camps, Fitz dies at the hands of the Vore, Trix commits suicide shortly afterwards, Charley P dies in an airplane crash, Rose Tyler runs away from home and dies alone on the streets, Martha Jones cares for nothing but the survival of her patients, Donna Noble and

But perhaps the most horrifying aspect of all is that we are not done with the Doctor’s fall. For lurking in the shadows of the blog is a story that can only be found in “missing” adventures, one about a terrible monster: The Doctor fully corrupted into what can be assumed to be something terrible. A Doctor who views himself above the rest of the ponies; a Doctor who murders the innocent; a time lord victorious; a Doctor who dislikes his companion; a Doctor who replaced the void left within him from the corruption with a desire to make others miserable; a doctor of laws, rules, and regulations: the Valeyard.

Amy Pond are unable to be TOUCHED by those who love them, River Song is NEVER born, Clara Oswald is nothing more than an unimportant PUPPET of fate.” The man shaped being, halfway down the stairs, looked at the Doctor, expecting him to be devastated by his name-dropping of important companions, but he wasn’t. The figure resumed his rantings, growing more petulant with every sentence.

But, there is one other aspect to this redemptive reading of Discorded Whooves being Discorded Doctor Who that makes it the perfect antithesis to Doctor Who that uses what was already inside of Doctor Who to do so. But to explain why that is, we must first understand the darkness that is used within the MLP fandom and what kind this series implements. It should be obvious that My Little Pony is an optimistic show where friendship is a force in the universe that can redeem even the most far-gone of villains. But that’s not to say that this is a series lacking in darkness. There is clearly cruelty(13), evil(14), corruption(15), and just plain meanness(16) within the series. It’s that the darkness isn’t the driving force that runs the universe like most realists believe it to be.

“Grant M is dying alone in an alleyway, accepting that he did not take M+Ms, Twilight Sparkle is a friendless shut in who lives in a library, Dash disintegrates into ASH after demolishing Cloudsdale, Rarity sold out and abandoned her friends, Apple J breaks her sister’s heart by telling her the truth, PDP is standing alone in front of a massive graveyard, looking at the stone faces of her friends, fiendish Fluttershy is spiteful to the animals,

However, some fans(17) seem to think that in order to like something geared towards children, one has to make it more “adult”, “serious”, and “realistic”. They do this by increasing the darkness.(18)

The Cutie Mark Crusaders gave up on their attempts at figuring out what their cutie marks will be, DT and SS remain miserable bullies who can’t stand being with one another for the rest of their lives, Peter P is, and always has been, an uncool, hopeless dweeb who has people die around him in order to make him sad,

There are three ways in which this is done. The first of which occurs when a character and/or plot device from the source material itself is the source of darkness that corrupts the story. This method is generally done by exploring an element of a character that could be viewed through a darker lens, using fridge logic upon the series, and/or forcing darkness upon a character that doesn’t fit with said character. An example from a MLP fan work comes from “The Monster we Made” whereby the darkness comes from Twilight Sparkle wanting dominion over magic and, as such, kills all her friends, Princess Cadence, and Princess Celestia and begins a tyrannical reign over Equestria via the phantom menace of Princess Luna becoming Nightmare Moon once again. The second of which occurs when an outside element is thrust upon the series, which makes the narrative darker. This can be achieved via a crossover with a darker series or the creation of an original character and/or plot device. An example from the Brony community would be from “MLP Project” in which an original character creates an artifact of doom that influences those within its power to do its bidding(19). The third way in which this is done is by making the show itself evil. This is done by perverting the ethos of a series and/or revealing that said ethos is not the true ethos. An example of this usage of darkness comes from “The Conversion Bureau” which does this by being terrible(20). This method is generally done by terrible works that have no idea/hate how the world of the fiction that inspires them works.

“I think we’re through together.

Huh? No! What?

I think, with all that’s happened, maybe it’s best if we step back, reevaluate who we are. I’m going to be busy with the Blonde Phantom Detective Agency, and you’re going to be busy being Spider-Man, and our relationship… with what Emma did– I don’t think we can trust anything. Not for a while. Okay?

Noddy is NOTHING more than a fictional character,

No. Not okay.

Huh?

I’ve got good instincts. And I do trust you. I’ve got a special sense that warns me of bad things and it didn’t like you walking away. So if we can’t trust in what we had, let’s trust in something new. I proclaim this our first date.

That works for me.”

-A conversation between Sophia Sanduval and Peter Parker prior to their first date.

Naturally, Discorded Whooves implements all three forms of darkness. The first format should be obvious given the title of the series. The second is implemented via the usage of the Doctor Who “mythos” with elements such as the Valeyard being a serial killer who cuts off unicorn horns, The Master creating Torchwood to take down the Doctor, Daleks exterminating ponies, and The Doctor being a vile monster who beats women(21), lies to those he loves for the sake of not being alone(22), and isn’t any fun whatsoever(23).

sexist Steven is still a jerk who talks in jokes, Paul was still a creep,

As for the third… we begin on May 22nd, 2013. Oh relax, Amy, it’s the equivalent of a pit-stop, if even that, he remarks. The Doctor is explaining to Jack(24) about the nature of the universe and how they got to the land of magic ponies. He mentions that they traveled to a parallel universe and died on the trip there. This is your idea of a “pit-stop”, she slyly says. Shortly after explaining this for Jack, the TARDIS is unable to land where they want to go, the cloister bell is ringing, the Doctor is panicking, and a sense that the cast is going to die. This is impossible, it’s completely breaking the laws of reality, he says fearfully. So after the crisis is resolved, the Doctor falls unconscious and we get a flashback. It’s sometime around the Power of Three, an adventure with Amy and Rory involving Zygons and wedding proposals to kings has just ended. On the way home, there’s a beeping red light on the TARDIS console. Something is pulling them. DOCTOR IT HURTS, she screams. Something is pulling them outside of reality. HELP US, he begs. And as they fall, we learn the truth. I can’t, i can’t, he cries. A truth that has been hinted at for so very long, a truth far more terrible than what the author has in mind for what broke the Doctor. there’s nothing i can do, i’m sorry, he sobs. For on Tuesday, June 11th, 2013, we learn that My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic killed Amy and Rory. i’m sorry, they die.

the government exiles Bob and Andrew for exposing all of their secrets, Russell is murdered for being gay,

I could just end it here. Nothing I can type is going to top the condemning statement of Amy and Rory are killed by My Little Pony. I mean, why would the entirety of the My Little Pony multiverse, regardless of the events conspiring around the Equestria this blog is taking place, allow Amy and Rory to die? Why would the TARDIS take a path that would only save the Doctor and not Amy and Rory? Hell, why did traveling to another universe kill Amy and Rory? It didn’t do it the last time, so why this time? It’s not that complicated of an answer really: Amy and Rory die because it would be dark for them to die.

Will dies in a tank, Verity never inspires a generation, Patrick and Jon NEVER become friends, David Whittaker’s alchemistic tendencies are never given an outlet, Thomas is beaten to death in a bar brawl, Lawrence remains a jerk, Peter was type cast,

Which brings us nicely to what makes Discorded Whooves discorded Doctor Who. For at the end of the day, it’s just so generic and lacking in fun. All of its ideas come from other sources and the story does nothing with them. For example, the dark Pinkie Pie used in the story is the most obvious one possible: the one from “Cupcakes.” Now does the story do anything interesting with this character? No. It just plays “Cupcakes” straight. It even makes the potentially interesting stuff surrounding it uninteresting. No longer is Torchwood an exploration of this mad world we live in. Now it’s the Master’s Doctor hunting team. The Doctor hasn’t become his worst incarnation since the tenth. He’s just under some mind control that he’s fighting. Discord isn’t a force of chaotic madness that does what he does because it’s fun. He’s evil and cruel. Heck, the story could have done something interesting with the Valeyard by expanding on the “Doctor of Laws” aspect and making his scheme to turn My Little Pony into a bureaucracy. But no, he’s evil serial killer Doctor.

Colin B is hated by his own family, McCoy remains unknown and unloved, Pauly is stuck working on crappy American science fiction shows, Chris is stuck doing a terrible children’s show, David cries in the rain, Matt NEVER exists, Peter Capaldi dies at the hand of a Mandrel, and the wheezing and the groaning are forever silenced.”

And even worse, it’s not fun anymore. My Little Pony and Doctor Who are two shows that run on fun. These are worlds with Iris Wildthyme, Pinkie Pie, Frobisher, Cheese Sandwich, The Land of Fiction, Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappleloosa, LInDA, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Running Through Paris, the Smile Song, and so many more fun things. And this has none of it. There’s no place in this world for a demonically possessed Sweetie Belle desperately trying to be seen as a normal pony, Pinkie Pie baking a brew that can travel trough time, Sepia Tock drinking tea with Princess Luna and the Brigadier, Pinkie Pie being brought out of a nihilistic world view with a hug from Fluttershy, Discord and Princess Celestia teaming up against Daleks before Discord throws a Pie at Celestia’s face, Rainbow Dash letting Scootaloo stay with her for the night, Twilight buying the Daily Bugle, Applebloom accepting Jappleack as her sister, Ms. Cake being Ms. Cake(25), Octavia being obsessed with tea, Rarity not being a diva on the set of My Little Pony, Trixie playing a D&D campaign with Snips and Snails as inflammatory expies of the cast of MLP ending with Fluttershy taking Princess Celestia as a pet, Dinky always remembering her mother after Discord wipes her out of existence, and hope for the future. In fact, there’s no hope at all.

The madman was nearing the bottom of the stairs, but the Doctor still hadn’t reacted. The man shaped darkness continued, his bravado was becoming more forced “Soon all the children of all the worlds will realize the truth that all realists know: that stories do not have power, there is no such thing as hope, and there is such a thing as truly being alone.

That’s the big issue with this series: there’s no hope. Oh sure, there’s the carrot on the stick that is the Doctor fighting his discorded state(26), but that story’s wearing a bit thin at this point. In fact, we reached the logical end point for the arc on March 10th, 2013. The Doctor had one of his “non discorded” moments and went to make amends with his kids. But as things were going well, Derpy showed up. Naturally, as a character who is a domestic abuser and gets angry at the mere mention of Derpy’s name, the Doctor is about to hurt his wife again when a brick hits him on the side of his head. The one who threw that brick at him is his daughter, Dinky. And she has plenty more where that came from. As the madman is pummeled with brick after brick and thrown at a tree, he begs “Please…” to his daughter and a gives her a look that reads “Have pity on me.” His daughter’s reply is “I’m sure that’s what she said too.” As she is about to deliver the killing blow, she gives him a look that reads “I have pity for you. Goodbye Doctor.”

You think yourself FAR more than just ANOTHER Time Lord? Bah! I was there in the beginning; in fact, BEFORE the beginning, when Omega and Rassilon first met. FOR I AM,” the villain paused for dramatic effect, “THE OTHER!

And that’s where it should have ended. The Doctor either dies because of his cruelty and cowardice or is finally allowed to change into a better story and save the day. It would have been a fitting end, building off of the earliest actions of the series to the climactic end where the cruelty that has been shown to be within the Doctor since “The Twin Dilemma” is, at long last, tried, found guilty, and sentenced to death at the hands of its victims. But no, the monster lives. Too far broken to be able to fix himself without an act of grace from up on high. This is a Doctor whose earliest action(27) is both physically and verbally abusing Ditzy.

The revelation was followed with a fit of maniacal laughter accompanied by a strike of lightning that one would think was timed. “You might as well roll over and die before I hurt you even more. In fact,

And it is here, that we see Discorded Whooves for what it truly is. Take away all the ponies, the Master and his plots, Jack Harkness and his team, The Valeyard’s missing adventures, and all the rest, and you discover that Discorded Whooves is essentially this:

TELL me Doctor… What shall we engrave upon your TOMBSTONE?” At long last the little Doctor looked at the Other, who finally reached the end of those 42 steps. The Doctor did not look upon him with anger or hatred. Nor did he look at him with compassion or empathy. He looked at the Other with pity. He had pity for that small man. And, with a sly smile upon his face, the Doctor replied

“Pinkie, you gotta stand up tall, learn to face your fears.
You’ll see that they can’t hurt you. Just laugh to make them disappear.”
    -Granny Pie explaining to Pinkie Pie how to fight monsters.
  1. Although, for some reason they keep ending up on the girl’s home planet.
  2. She has been known to be a bit of a ditz.
  3. Which is bigger on the inside.
  4. Whom The Doctor shoots in the face.
  5. Who tries to slit her wrists because of what happened to her friends.
  6. Who has some connection with the Valeyard which the writer of this post has no idea what that is due to some idiot thinking it was a good idea to keep that blog a secret from the rest of us.
  7. Who, from what I gathered, is the Master’s drums.
  8. Oh, hello. I’m Sean. Since I’m writing this in December, Happy Life Day and may Krampus bless us, everyone.
  9. Because of course he’s the 10th Doctor.
  10. He didn’t say anything, but Donna knew what was going to happen next. “Oh.” Donna gasped as she stepped back, shivering in terror. “Oh, but I ca-“ He was getting closer. “Oh I can’t go back,” Donna cried as he put his hands on her shoulders. “don’t make me go back,” Donna begged, “doctor. please. please, don’t make me go back!”
    “Donna,” he said with the sad tone of a person who wants to save everyone hearing his best friend wants to die, “Oh Donna Noble, I am so sorry.” Donna gasped with the horror of inevitability. “But we had the best of times,” he continued, “the best… goodbye” he said as his hands slithered ever closer to Donna’s head. “No!” Donna shouted, in the vain hope that it could save her. “No! No please! Please! No! No! No!”
    And then his hands caressed her face. She was able to cry one last “NO!” before falling into a deep sleep.
    In her sleep, she dreamed of the thrilling adventures of The Most Important Woman in the Universe! In her wanderings across the universe, the woman helped people, freed slaves, and fought off blob monsters by shouting at them. She was joined on her adventures by her best friend- the Doctor, a silly man who thought he was the most important man in the universe. His egotistical behavior wasn’t helped by the fact that he was the most important man in the universe. But he didn’t hold a candle to Donna Noble: The Most Important Woman in the Universe!
    But like most dreams, when she woke up, she wouldn’t remember any of it. Besides, she didn’t have time for dreams. She had work tomorrow.
    The woman fell into the arms of the man who made her dream her past away. He held her like a father holds his sleeping daughter. “I had to do it,” he consoled himself, “There was no other way to save her. She was going to die if I didn’t do it.”
    The travel machine landed in front of Donna Noble’s house without wheezing or groaning.
  11. Which if we weren’t trying to read this redemptively as Discorded Doctor Who, would make the Ask Blog one of the worst things in the world for essentially fridging a character by using the iconography of the worst companion departure in the New Series in a way that’s even worse than in the original context(28).
  12. As an aside, because I’m not sure where else to place this, I really wish the character who appeared on July 3rd, 2012 should have been paralleled with the Brigadier and I am very cross that she wasn’t.
  13. Oh, poor Pinkie Pie. And here I thought laughter made you happy.
  14. I could care less about the dress/I won’t partake in any cake/Vows, well I’ll be lying when I say/ That through any kind of weather/I’ll want us to be together/The truth is I don’t care for him at all/No I do not love the groom/In my heart there is no room/But I still want him to be all mine
  15. Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirls…
  16. Feelings?! I don’t care about feelings!
  17. Especially ones who have a desire for stories to have a canon.
  18. This is not in of itself a bad thing. The problems come about when the storytellers decide to decrease the joy within the narrative as well.
  19. And thereby reveal why Twilight didn’t tell her friends about any of her plans
  20. The author of this blog post would have done it on this fan fiction subgenre, but knew that the person who runs this blog would most likely not be fond of a post that consists of eight thousand uses of the word “fuck”. He would also like to ask any fan fiction writers reading this extraneous footnote to produce a Doctor Who/Conversion Bureau story where the 2nd Doctor gets thrown into the mix. But he knows this will never happen, because it’s always the 10th Doctor, so he doesn’t bother asking.
  21. I’D RATHER BEAT OUT YOUR VOICE BOX THAN LISTEN TO YOUR IRRITATING WHINING!!!
  22. Do it or I’ll tell your Twilight about Derpy.
  23. I mean he hates the sodding Puniverse for Pete’s sake. Who can hate a universe run on bad puns and friendship? That’s the aesthetics of My Little Pony in a nutshell.
  24. Who recently(29) appeared in the narrative some time after Children of Earth but before Miracle Day.
  25. Discworld.
  26. Wait a minute, why didn’t the main 6 go to deal with Discord?
  27. December 21st, 2011 to be precise.
  28. In the blog, not only is she unconscious and unaware of what’s happening to her, but, as previously mentioned, it is also an act perpetrated by the Master to hurt the Doctor(30).
  29. I.e. seven months.
  30. I.e. the life choices of a mixed race woman(31) are made by two white men to make one of the white men very sad.
  31. The character in question, Laura, is a zebra pony(32).
  32. Zony, as she prefers.

December 16, 2014-January 9, 2015

8 thoughts on “Guest Post: -Truly Superior Beings- (Discorded Whooves)

  1. Addendum: Due to the structure of the italicized parts of this paper, one line had to be cut. As such, pretend right after the part with Grant M, these words follow “chirpy Coraline is suffocating underneath her neighbors porch”.

    Like

  2. Spoilers B. decides not to go outside, again, and stays home to count his books. Not reading them, just counting them. Over and over and over. *Shudder*

    Superlative work, Sean! I really enjoyed this, for all that I haven't much cared for Discorded Hooves. But then, that's the point of good criticism, isn't it?

    Like

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