Happy Fucking Hanukkah

Here’s the thing about Hanukkah: It’s a fucking nothing holiday. It’s President’s Day or Arbor Day or some shit like that.

And here’s the other thing: for two thousand years, one of the major goals of the Christian religion has been to eliminate the Jews by some combination of killing us and turning us Christian. (I mean, one of the major goals of the Christian religion is to make sure everyone in the world is either dead or Christian, but Jews have historically been a particular obsession. Also, note I said “one of” and “Christian religion” not “the sole goal of each and every sect of Christianity and individual Christian without exception,” so kindly take your strawman and shove it up your slippery slope.)

And they’ve pretty consistently failed. I mean, they kill a few million here, convert a dozen there, but we’ve persisted through Inquisitions and pogroms, forced conversions, missionaries, kidnapping of our children, and “stealth” conversion attempts like Jews for Jesus.

By far, the most successful attempt of the 20th and 21st centuries? “Happy Hanukkah.” Because inexorably, thanks to the spirit of “inclusion” (being included by Christianity is rather a lot like being included by the Borg), American Hanukkah has morphed into Christmas with a menorah. It’s morphed from a holiday where the kids get a daily small treat for a week to a major gift-giving event. It’s become a time of “warm feelings” and “family togetherness” and fairy lights and fucking godawful novelty pop songs.

And an entire generation plus of American Jews has grown up believing that the biggest holiday of the year happens in December, and that “big holiday” is equivalent to “gift exchange.” I have met more than a few, Jews who celebrate Hanukkah and nothing else, or just Hanukkah and Passover, and don’t know that there even is anything else. Jews whose own kids will just celebrate Christmas and be Christians, and another fucking drone joins the collective.

So when you say “Happy Hanukkah” to me, or you put up a “Happy Hanukkah” sign in the middle of big gaudy display of Christmas decorations, and you have never mentioned or given any indication of having fucking heard of Pesach, Sukkot, Shavuot, or Yom Kippur, then I know what you’re really saying. “We are Christians. You will be assimilated. Your cultural and religious distinctiveness will be repurposed to service us. Happy Jewish Christmas.”

To which the only response is, “Fuck you.” And, possibly, “Mr. Worf… fire.”

5 thoughts on “Happy Fucking Hanukkah

  1. Don't confuse Christmas with Cosumerism, which is undoubtedly the larger holiday here. Christians forget their own holier days, like Easter, Lent, Pentecost/Ascension day, because somewhere along the line AMERICA demanded another way to show off how awesome capitalism is, because lights and gifts scare the Soviets, or some shit like that.

    Christianity has its own “CME” brand- Christmas, Mothers Day, Easter, in which the masses pay lip service to God, then promptly forget about religion for another 7 months. They're doing a perfectly good job destroying their own “sacred days.”

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  2. Except, you'll note, in this particular post I'm not complaining about the crass commercialism of it, or even objecting to Christians celebrating it as their main holiday. My problem is the way in which they shove it down everyone's throat, which is a microcosm of the way Christianity is determined to shove itself down everyone's throat, as a religion founded on appropriation and imperialism. And, frankly, the people who want Christmas to be more sacred have, I suspect, a strong overlap with the people who want to make Christian hegemony de jure as well as de facto.

    The Borg, after all, are not Crass Commercial America–that's the Ferengi. The Borg are Imperial America, which is why they work so well as a metaphor for Christianity too.

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  3. I don't know which branch of Christianity you're looking at per se (ultra conservative? The ones who hate other Christians just as much as outsiders?)

    The shoving down the throat you seem to rail against is precisely the result of consumerism. Christmas ever presence is a consequence of business seeking profit margin, not religious dominance. When you see stores with decorations in October, that's not a Christian agenda looking to spread Jesus, it's the store trying to trick you into spending money. Even the stories admit they're not in it for Christmas, they're in it for Christmas money.

    I'm not saying that Christianity doesn't do what you're describing. But I think your rage here is misplaced. The bullshit that went down in Ohio with mentorship money needed a faith-based partner is more dangerous than seeing Christmas everywhere. Especially when much of the pomp is acknowledged as purely secular in the mainstream.

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  4. I'm going to jump with the 'it is consumerism' side, partially. I believe the 'Happy Holidays' thing began as a thing stores/movies were doing to encourage sales from non-Christians; in fact, I've heard Christians go into a rage over people saying things other than 'Happy Christmas' at stores, and calling it 'An attack on Christmas!' on Fox News and such, so this is not a purely Christian thing.

    That said, it is /Christmas/ the /Christian/ Holiday, and they (at least a vocal minority with way too much power being supported by silent majority sheeple anyway) DO try to shove it down everyone's throat, as my anecdote shows.

    So it's a combo of those two factors.

    Yeah, I don't terribly want to be 'included' by Christianity either; it's like being digested by an amoeba that has engulfed its stomach around you. There is no special holiday for apatheists, though.

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